You chose your weapons,
leaving me no shield no protection, no safety a prisoner in your lair It was your fancy and your delight to watch me cower and tremble not able to fight You waged war and brutality against me, a small child bruised, battered, bloodied you chanted your victory shout Believing you had won the battle over time you fell death, insanity, madness, overtook you and your frame returned to dust A small wounded child grew amongst the thorns, she learned along the path from teachers wise and true They taught her to learn to love herself taught her to love others they planted a spark of light within that grew as time moved on Today that small girl is grown, and stands tall She faced her demons, faced her death and learned to love and live Copyright 2012 Laurie Ann Smith EXPLICIT WARNING/TRIGGER WARNING: this video is part of a series of videos for my website Born in Hell. Please watch at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind bother you, please do not watch. I detailed the years 7 to 8 growing up abused and the details are graphic. We were living in "Hell House" during this time. My brother Chess was murdered, my brother Rob went into a depression, my dad thought the authorities were going to charge him with the murder because he had been abusing his family from the time my parents were married. My dad was still attempting suicide, still threatening to kill the family in a familicide situation. My mom's mental health went downhill at this time due to depression from Chess's murder. My brothers Rob and Howard were doing massive amounts of drugs at this time and my dad was still marital raping my mom. I became a convenient "punching bag" for my mother at this time. My mom was beating me with heavy objects as well as belts and her fists. I have detailed much of this abuse in my poems which are mainly written from my inner child at this age, 7 to 11 years old. These were the years we lived in Hell House and the abuse I suffered during this time scarred my mind, my heart, my brain, my body and my spirituality. I was still trying to be a little girl, playing with my barbies and trying to have fun while my mom beat me every chance she got. I began to shut down at this time and realised that I was actually nothing to my parents but a punching bag, and to my siblings I was a bad kid, a nuisance who needed to be beaten on. I became the "black sheep" scapegoat that my siblings used in order that my mom's abuse would be directed at me instead of them. My siblings rarely stepped in to help me and were actually responsible for many of the beatings I received from my parents. This is a series of videos I am creating for my website BORN IN HELL looking at the abuse, dysfunction, domestic violence in our home. This video is expounding upon my life in the abuse from when I was 5 and 6 years old. The abuse and family violence and domestic violence in my home from age 5 to 6 years old was horrific. My parents were beating on me and my siblings, the CPS, Child Protection Services had signed off our case and we were left in the home. My older brothers were using drugs in the home and my dad was attempting suicide and had been for years. My dad raped my mom in front of me one night, which scarred me for life and caused me to fear intimacy, to hate my body and to hate being female. My dad had been raping my mother for years causing her much physical damage and both of my parents were extremely mentally ill and took their anger and hatred out on all of their children, including me. I was beaten on a regular basis by my mom. She used to drag me around, beat me with belts that she had hanging on our kitchen wall. I was back-handed into walls, to the floor, across the room on a regular basis by my mom and my dad would beat me with his belt as well. My dad was going to beat me for not listening to him, and dragged me by my leg through a hallway to my bedroom and pulled my hip out of place, threw me on the bed and began to beat me with his belt. This hip injury has caused me problems my entire life, it was a lifetime physical injury, and there would be many more. This is part 2 of the introduction of my newest website "BORN IN HELL". This series will provide background information of what is to be born into abuse, dysfunction, mental illness, domestic violence and it is my hope that survivors of abuse will reach out and get help, and that the public at large will begin to understand what is to grow up abused and why it is vital that we all get involved to save children from a life of hell. I am the youngest of 7 siblings. I grew up being abused from birth in a home filled with domestic violence and abuse, mental illness, psychological illness, dysfunction, suicide, drug abuse, sibling abuse, and compete horror. My parents were abused as children and each had their own set of issues before they were married. My mom was abused physically, emotionally, psychologically, and verbally by her mother. My dad was emotionally and psychologically abused by both of his parents. My dad was abusing my mother before they were even married, but my mom married him anyway to get out of her mother's house of hell. My parents then had 6 children, all born in Canada. My dad was in the DOT, Department of Transport in WWII, a radio operator for the North Atlantic Air Force and Navy. My siblings were born wherever my parents were stationed at the time. My mom attempted to divorce my dad early in their marriage due to the abuse he was inflicting on the children, and her. The courts dismissed the case because at that time in Canada, you could not divorce for any reason other than infidelity. My mom stayed with my dad because she had no where to go, no job skills, and several young children to try and take care of. She did not want to go back to her abuser mother's house. My dad decided he wanted to move to New Mexico, USA and 5 years later I was brought into the world by c-section. I was 3 months early, premature and had to go into an incubator until I was at a healthy enough weight and healthy enough to go home. My nurse named me. My mom was in a coma and did not even know I was born. I was born from marital rape. My dad had been raping my mom for years, forcing her to have unprotected sex, in order that she become pregnant. My mom was told not to have any more children after my brother Howard was born as my mom's health was so bad. My mom carried two babies full term who were delivered still born before I was born and my sister Kathi. I was not wanted and when my parents brought me home, they said "welcome to our hell, welcome to our hell", which is the same thing they had told all their children upon arrival. My dad continued to abuse my siblings and my mother, and my mom continued to abuse all of her children too. My parents were arrested and charged with child abuse and neglect after my brother went to school beaten up. The authorities got involved and my parents were arrested and had to go to court. My dad had beaten my brother Rob badly, and he told the authorities he was afraid to go home. My mom made it look like it was all my dad's fault and that my dad was the one who was beating the children and her. My older siblings spoke up in court and told the judge that my mom was also physically abusing all the children as well. My mom begged the courts to let her keep her children and not to remove us from their home. The courts agreed but only if conditions were met. My parents were court ordered to attend individual counselling, marital counselling, family counselling, as well as counselling for my siblings. I was 2 years old at this time and I do not remember the court proceedings. My parents were diagnosed mentally ill, psychologically ill as well as some of my siblings. My dad was diagnosed schizophrenic, with borderline personality disorder, and my mom was diagnosed manic depressive, which is bi-polar. My brother Rob was also diagnosed bi-polar at this time. My parents attended two counselling sessions. My siblings advised that there were no other sessions attended. CPS was involved and used to come for regular visits to check on us. I remember a man and a woman coming to the house with clip boards, and they would remove my clothing and check for signs of abuse. They would then have my mom dress me and give me a sucker for behaving so nicely. I enjoyed their visits because they would smile at me and touch me softly, and say nice things to me. They signed off our case when I was 3 1/2 years old and the abuse started all over again. This video is an introduction to my website Born in Hell. This website will contain all of my audio/video productions past and present, as well as poems and writings I've created since 2009. I want the world to know what abuse does to children and I hope that you will do all you can to protect children and use your voice and get involved to help stop and prevent child abuse. Thanks to everyone for all your support over the years! You are pathetic! I had you, I bore you! I fed you, I bathed you! I gave you life, I can take it away!! I can kill you, it's my right! And you will take what I'm giving you! You better not run! Get down on your knees at my feet now! And beg you rotten whore!! You've been nothing but trouble! Since the day you were born! You should have died with the other two Babies that were born stillborn!! You're a rape child I never wanted!! I don't love you, I don't care What you need, how you feel! Or whether or not you are here! I hate you, you disgust me! You fucking slut! You're a selfish little bitch! And you deserve worse beatings than you get!! I don't want to hear another word come out of your God damn mouth!! Not another word or I'll take your God damn head off!! You better be listening to me!! So help me God or I'll bust your head and break every bone in your body!! If you ever tell anyone What goes on in this house! I will kill you, you cunt Now get the fuck out!! Copyright 2016 Laurie Ann Smith I can still hear my mother's voice screaming this rant in my face. The shear disdain and hatred for me was poured out of her heart through her rants and physical torture of my body. These words of my mother always came with each beating she dished out. They also came with each beating that she was threatening. From the time I was cognitive at around age 4, I heard all of this rant on a regular weekly basis and sometimes daily just depending on how my mom's mental and psychological health was at the time.
Quite often I was forced down on my knees at her feet and made to beg for her forgiveness. She would dish this rant out at me and either beat me or tell me to get out of the house. I recall the beatings and these rants of hers, and remember her shoving me into walls, slapping me, choking me and screaming this rant in my face, her finger nails digging into my arm, or being back-hand to the floor and beaten with a belt or heavy object, as she kicked my side, my ribs, my legs. I will never forget what my mother left me with, a lot of pain, and a lot of scars. She scarred my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit and my soul. The damage was irreparable. I have decided to live and have worked incredibly hard to learn how to love myself, to love others, to have love for life, and to try and heal as my way of getting justice over my abuser mom, dad and brother. It is an unfinished work in progress and I still have a long way to go. My message to all survivors of child abuse, NEVER GIVE UP!! We did not deserve to be abused, and we deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, compassion, care, kindness, love, empathy and we deserve to live a good healthy life. Reach out, and get the help that you need. Copyright 2016 Laurie Ann Smith-Tornerup Mother,
you never said you loved me you swore you should have killed me you hurt me most deeply ripping and tearing my body my heart and my soul breaking my spirit, murder most foul you made me wash away the evidence of those bloodstained walls, wipe the blood off the floors, the walls, the doors you threw my favorite bloodstained outfits out with the trash year after year it became my routine to suffer those beatings, to beg at your feet "you will take it", you screamed as I lay on the floor not daring to move as I could take no more made to beg at your feet for mercy crying and sobbing as you looked away with disdain hatred and cursing me enjoying my pain years rolled by and just more of the same you justified this abuse saying that it was your right to hurt me, to beat me, to kill me outright you explained that it was just what I needed as I was a rape child, a bad kid and got what I deserved in the end you betrayed me as you said that you never loved me never wanted me or cared I did not matter to you and you did not care if I was dead the same look of hatred came over your eyes and I knew in my heart that I had been betrayed the ultimate kind For all of my inner children who suffered her wrath written by Laurie Ann Smith Copyright 2011 Oh my child, my child of pain Let me hold you if you trust me I promise I won't leave you again Left alone in the dark these many years Bound and Gagged in so much pain those endless tears you cried all alone the door was shut, you were left on your own The torture and torment as he raped you 37 years, while I did not want to think about you I had to split, my child of pain as I knew I could not live with that kind of pain Your wounded body, raped and torn Your wounded soul, Your life he stole My wounded body, did finally heal No children would I have from the ordeal My wounded mind, raped everyday As I knew the truth about my child of pain Let me untie you, set you free I will sit here on the bed and keep you company One day we will truly heal, learn to love again Let me help you precious girl We can hold each other Soothe away the pain Together we will take back our body We will take back our virginity We will take back our power He cannot hurt us anymore We have purged and cleansed ourselves From his evil deeds We are free my precious to love ourselves No longer do we live in shame No longer will we have to endure this pain It is over my precious child I promise I will never leave you again Laurie Ann Smith Copyright 2011 A short poem to my abusers
All the harsh words you screamed in my face All the cruel names you called me cannot be erased They mark my memories like a crack in wall You can try to repair it, but it's not as it was, just patched up is all All the beatings, the kickings, the burnings, the shovings Of my body when I was so small Cannot be taken back, the damage is done The wounds turn to scars, the bones mend with time But the pain is still there and those old fears remain You said you were sorry but it wasn't your fault Blaming everything and everyone but yourself I look back in the mirrors of my memories and see That it was you who were responsible for the pain and the blood You send sneaky reminders that I should love you and forgive All that you did when I was a little kid It was just the times, the way it was back then And I sit and cry not knowing where to begin To tell you just how seriously messed up you were And how seriously you messed up my childhood You tore my body, my mind and my soul Ripping to pieces my entire whole My body continued to live, but my spirit was dead I am a prisoner of myself living in my head You cannot take back the horrors you gave me You cannot make up for the damage to my heart You cannot undo the evil acts committed You cannot make it better, it will not go away I choose to forgive you, and not for you at all But for myself so I can have an ounce of peace I choose to never forget what you put me through In order that my life remains reality and not a lie The lie that you would prefer me to live until you die I will remember all the pain and suffering I will remember all the torture and the rage I will remember the lack of love and mercy I will remember and try to not be like you Laurie Ann Smith Copyright 2012 Written by Laurie Ann Smith
July 17, 2011 Oh mommy, stop hurting me I promise I'll be good How come you don't hear me? When I say I am sorry? Oh mommy, don't beat me again with that belt Please don't shout those ugly names for I am not a whore, a slut, a cunt, I am not a bitch, or a rotten kid I love you mommy, and I always did Oh mommy, please don't punch me with your fists Look at how my nose bleeds mommy, can you help me with this? Please don't bash me in the head and leave me on the floor in a pool of blood Saying you wished I was dead Oh mommy, please stop brother from hurting me. I'm in pain from what he is doing to me Please don't tell me, it's my problem and you do not care He's hurting me over and over and I'm in such pain Oh mommy, please tell me you love me please show me you care Wrap your arms around me and hold me tight, please kiss me and tell me you will make it alright Oh mommy, are you there? Copyright Laurie Ann Smith 2012 |
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you! |