This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. I discussed the last half of my 17th year, my mom was still back handing me and actually attacked me at work one afternoon. After she hit me, the ladies in the office stopped her from continuing the beating on any further. Our boss found out and warned my mom that what she had done was inappropriate at the office and I was too old for that kind of treatment, and that my mom should try talking with me instead of hitting me. That was the very last time my mom ever hit me, or ever attempted to hit me or inflict any physical abuse toward me again. The verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse continued on. That never stopped until the day she went into a coma and died. My friends and me were doing massive amounts of drugs and drinking and smoking massive amounts of pot at this time. I was high all the time, that was my way of keeping all the abuse, the physical abuse from my parents, the child sexual abuse, rape, sodomy by my brother Rob, stuffed into a little drawer in which I keep it there so I can cope. The drugs made that so much easier. I was still unwanted, unloved, not being cared for and abused by my parents, it just wasn't physical abuse anymore, it was just as painful and hurt just as bad. I did not care if I did too many drugs and overdosed, and I did not care if I ended up dead in a car wreck and I drove fast and dangerously every where I went. I had a bad car wreck at age 18, in which they had to do full body x-rays checking for broken bones and internal damage to my body. At this time, the specialists revealed to me that the x-rays had shown multiple fractures to my skull in different places, neck damage, damage to my jaws and face, cracked and fractured ribs, separated ribs, as well as the hip injury, fractured coccyx and CSA, child sexual abuse. They advised that the damage to my body had been done years before, as these were the old fractures revealed by the x-rays. They asked me if I had been abused at that time. I was over 18 years old and it was up to me to press charges. The same thing happened to me when I went to see the gynaecologist at age 21 in which I had filled out the forms saying I was a "virgin" and had never had sexual intercourse before with anyone. They explained the damage to my body, the scar tissue, and advised that I would probably never be able to become pregnant, or even carry a child, even with reconstructive surgery. I explained that the person who had done that to me was my brother who had raped me from 8 to 9 years old when he was 21 and that he had committed suicide the year before when I was 20 years old. After the car accident I could not move out with my friend Di, I was broke, had to pay my doc bill, hospital bill, buy a new used car, and was in a cast for one year and crutches for two years. I had one year of physical therapy to go to after the cast came off and had to pay for that too. I was hoping to move away and get free from my pain and my past by the age of 20. During this time I was in our friend Tammy's band and sang back up vocals, which was such a blast. But my friends and I are doing heavy drugs at this time and that took all of our time and interest. We were heavy drug users by the time I was 19 years old. I was never looked after properly and so I did not look after myself. My parents hurt me, so, I hurt myself. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. This photo was taken in October, after a beating my mom gave me in front of my BFF Di. I was 15 years old, 2 months away from my 16th birthday. I was in 12th grade. My BFF Di was 13 years old. My friend watched my mom punch my spine as hard as she could, knocking me down two sets of stairs into my bedroom, and then as I lay on the ground, my mom began to back hand my face, slapping me, punching me, pulling my hair and kicking me all the while screaming at me and calling me names. My friend told my mom that there were laws against child abuse. My mom let me go and turned to my friend telling her to get out of her house. I left the house after my friend, slamming the screen door several times and yelled at my mom, "you wanna beat me? you wanna beat me? you wanna beat me? Go ahead!! I'm sick of it". I slammed the door one more time and said, "you wanna beat me?!! I KNOW YOU DO!!! NO MORE!" and ran to catch up with my friend who had began to walk home to her house. I spent the night on her couch that night and would spend many nights on her couch after that until the age of 19 years old. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. Two months after my friend Arlene had been killed, hit by a car, that summer I met a new "best friend" Dianna and we began to hang out every day. She lived 2 blocks from me, was 2 years younger and I had never hung out with her before. My friends Arlene and Des were gone so I began to hang out with Di and the neighbourhood kids on my block. That summer I suffered two beatings from my mom and dad. My mom had beaten me severely for something the neighbour kids had done that I had no part of. She wrenched my arm and knocked me to the ground on my knees, kneed me in the face with her knee and began to slap me, backhand me, punch me. I was on my hands and knees protecting my head and she continued the beating, punching my back and pounding me with her fists as hard as she could. She cursed me and kicked my side as hard as she could several times. When she had finished beating me she went into the kitchen and threw a fit, called my oldest sister Irene to tell her how much she hated me, hated my attitude, wanted me out of the house, wanted me gone and wanted to kill me because of all the trouble I had caused her. I got up off the floor and went to my room to see what damage was done to my face again. I could not defend myself or I would receive another beating so I just stayed in my room listening to my mom talking to my sister about how bad I was. Within a few weeks of that beating my mom gave me, my dad beat me with a branch from a Spanish Broom plant we had in our side yard. My friends and I were having fun chasing each other around with that branch and my dad came around the corner and saw me chasing a neighbourhood boy who lived across the street. My dad decided to "teach me a lesson" and grabbed the cane from my hand, knocked me down face up in the dirt side yard and whipped my legs with it putting me into convulsions from the pain. My dad was 6'5" tall and weighed about 250 lbs. He was ex-military and did one handed push ups in the morning. When he decided he had inflicted enough pain, he broke the cane over his knee, threw it on the ground next to me and went into the house. My friends were across the street, they left when he started to beat me. One week after this beating from my dad and the previous one from my mom, my parents were having another one of their regular domestic disputes at night. I could hear my dad slap my mom and my mom screaming at him. I was laying on my bed listening to them fight. I was thinking to myself, "why should I care? why should I go help my mom? The two of them just finished beating the crap out of me and why should I care? Let them kill each other, see if I care!" but I could not stand to listen to my dad slapping my mom and my mom crying out. I heard a big crash and I went out to see if I could get my dad to leave my mom alone. My mom had bashed my dad in the head with a huge, heavy ceramic lamp we had in the living room. My dad had blood pouring from the gash on his head. He still had my mom up against the wall and I approached him, telling him to "leave her alone!". He let go of my mom and grabbed me by my arms. He shoved me as hard as he could across the room into my bedroom wall. My head and back hit the wall and I slumped to the ground, dazed and almost unconscious. My mom pushed past my dad and said to him, "if you ever touch me again, I will kill you!!" and went into the kitchen. My dad went to his bedroom and I was laying on the floor again, in so much pain, wondering why I bothered to protect my mom from my dad, when she had been beating me, burning me, cursing me, allowed my brother to rape me? It was because it was the right thing to do. I got up off the ground and went back to my room with a massive headache and backache. This was my life. My mom never thanked me for trying to protect her from my dad even though she knew I suffered beatings at his hands to do so, and suffered a life time of skull, neck, and back damage from being thrown into walls by him. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. In this video I describe the continuation of the abuse in my home, the domestic violence between my parents who were always fighting. My brother Howard was still living at home at this time, using massive amounts of drugs and overdosing during these years. He actually died on our kitchen floor one day and the paramedics saved his life in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He went into a coma and woke up 3 weeks later with mild brain damage due to the overdose and being clinically dead. My mom continued to verbally abuse me, slap me around, and throw things at me. My dad was still beating me with his belt buckle across my face, and I used to curse at him and tell him I hated him to his face, he would then throw me to the ground and beat my legs and back with his belt. I hated my dad at this time and did not care. He was still attempting suicide at this time and as always, he continued to come into my room at night and tell me he was going to kill the family and himself because we were all from the devil. My dad was still attempting to rape my mom and I was in the 11th grade. This was my life. My best friend Arlene was killed, hit by a car and I was devastated. After her funeral, I sat in the back yard cursing God for leaving me and taking her. I was the one who was dead, who wanted to be gone and not living. I could not figure out why God would leave me in this hell house with people who did not care about me and just wanted to hurt me, and would take my friend away from a family that loved her. I had a big problem with God after this time and already had issues with him because of the abuse anyway. My heart was broken and I sank into a depression. My mom was highly abusive toward me because I was not allowed to feel anything, and because I was down and missing my friend, my mom used any excuse she could to beat me and kick me around. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. This pic is my school pic from 9th grade. It was the next summer at age 13 when my mom beat me with the rolling pen in the kitchen, cracking my skull and beating my back, neck, shoulders, ribs until she had no energy left to continue the beating. When she finished beating me, I got up off the kitchen floor and was heading to safety in the living room and my mom spun me around, called me a "fucking slut" and spit in face. I looked at her, I was dizzy, disoriented, could not see, ears buzzing, blood from my cracked skull running down my neck, and I did not know who I was looking at. This could not be my mother I thought to myself. "She must be the devil, or my enemy, but this woman could not possibly be the mother I love" was rolling around in my mind. She shoved me out the door and slammed the front door behind me. I went to my friends house and her parents stepped in. I asked not to be removed from my home. My parents had never thrown any of my 6 siblings out for any reason. Even though they were drug users, thieves, Rob had raped me for a year, my brother Howard had a knife to my sisters throat and threatened to kill her, and my parents never threw them out of the house. My mom had been throwing me out of the house since I was 10 years old and I wanted her to take care of me, to stop hurting me, to love me, to do the right thing by me. This is why it was so important for me to remain in my home. I detailed this beating and a lot more information in my book "A Life of Death: The Redemption". The results from this beating with the rolling pen and having a heavy solid kitchen table shoved into my ribs caused damage to my body and skull, as well as all of the previous beatings and future beatings I would receive. I had a bad car wreck at age 18, in which they had to do full body x-rays checking for broken bones and internal damage to my body. At this time, the specialists revealed to me that the x-rays had shown multiple fractures to my skull in different places, neck damage, cracked and fractured ribs, separated ribs, as well as the hip injury, fractured coccyx and CSA, child sexual abuse. They advised that the damage to my body had been done years before, as these were the old fractures revealed by the x-rays. They asked me if I had been abused at that time. I was over 18 years old and it was up to me to press charges. I was in shock at the time and did nothing about it, as well as I did not care if I lived or died at this time. The same thing happened to me when I went to see the gynaecologist at age 21 in which I had filled out the forms saying I was a "virgin" and had never had sexual intercourse before with anyone. They explained the damage to my body, the scar tissue, and advised that I would probably never be able to become pregnant, or even carry a child, even with reconstructive surgery. I explained that the person who had done that to me was my brother who had raped me from 8 to 9 years old when he was 21 and that he had committed suicide the year before when I was 20 years old. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. This pic was taken when I was 12 years old. This year my brother Rob, who had abused me sexually at age 8 to 9 years old, attempted suicide by slicing his arms up his veins. He called my mom to tell her he was committing suicide. My mom put me on the phone with him while she went across the street to use the neighbours phone to call for help as my brother was in Canada. My brother who was 25 at this time, began to tell me how much he enjoyed using my body sexually as a child. He began describing just how much he enjoyed "F'ing" me and how sensual and soft my skin was against his. I was in shock as I held the phone, I began to shake and my heart was pounding because I knew he was talking about what he had done to me when I was 8 years old. I remembered the sexual assaults, the violent raping of my body as I was tied up, gagged and tape put over my mouth for frontal assaults to prevent me from biting him. No tape was used for other assaults. My brother was saved that time and my mom brought him home to stay with us while his arms healed up from the suicide attempt. I was afraid that he would rape me again and he threatened to rape me if I did not stay away from him. This abuse caused me a life time of hell and pain as well as the abuse my mom was inflicting on me and my dad. My dad began to beat me across the face with his belt buckle at this time. He would shove me against a wall and force his knuckles into my ribs which would automatically cause me to use my hands to try and get his knuckles out of my ribs which caused me extreme pain. He would whip off his belt and pull it back and beat me across the face with the belt buckle end of the belt. I began to curse at him and tell him I hated him to his face which would then give him an excuse to throw me to the ground and beat my back and legs with the belt. At this point, I did not care anymore and wanted to die. Back on La Veta next door to the house we used to ownThis video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. This school photo is from 7th grade, I was 11 years old. That year my mom had been abusing me severely, burning me in the oven as well as beating me in the front yard of Hell House in the summer time with a belt. She had pushed me down into a cactus patch in the front yard and beat the back of my legs until they were bloody. The belt was whipping up dirt and dust and many people saw the beating and did nothing to stop it. I sat in the bathtub after that beating, and pulled the cactus needles and thorns out of my hands, arms, knees and legs. I had been made to endure horrific beatings from my mother mainly, but my dad was also very abusive toward me. This was the last year we lived at Hell House. We lived there for 5 1/2 years and the abuse I suffered there, ALL OF IT, scarred me for life, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and I really felt that I was dead, I was a walking shell and it was from this time forward that I would hate life and plan to end my life on a regular basis until the age of 42 years old. Hell HouseThis video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. Life for me was a continuation of hell. My mom was still abusing me every chance she got, beating me with belts, her fists, or any heavy objects within her reach. When I was 9 years old my mom had to have major surgery due to strangulated hernias. We had to go to the hospital to say good-bye to her just in case she did not make it. The doctors gave her a 50% chance of surviving the surgery. My mom did live and came home to recuperate. One night, during the middle of the night, I woke up as I could hear my mom getting upset at my dad. He was in her room and she was telling him to leave the room. I thought my dad was going to rape my mom just after she had surgery so I grabbed my big, pink jumbo plastic baseball bat and went in behind him in the room. I yelled at him to leave mom alone and smacked him in the back of his head as hard as I could. My dad proceeded to slap me, back hand me, and threw me across the room into the wall. My neck and back hit first, and then my head and I slumped to the floor nearly knocked out. I could not see clearly, just stars and was disoriented. My dad then began to curse me and kick me. My brother Howard came and got me out of the room away from my dad. My mom did not care that I tried to protect her, and continued to abuse me after she recovered. In the photo below I just turned 11 years old. My mom had beaten my face severely in October, 2 1/2 months before this pic was taken. She broke my nose, busted my lips, and left huge, raised welts on my cheeks. The beating she gave me rearranged my face and took a long time to heal. The family that took me to see Santa Claus had to beg my mom to let me go. She told them I was a "rotten bitch" and that I "did not deserve to go see Santa Claus". They finally convinced her to let me go with them to take a picture with Santa at the mall. This video is part of the Born in Hell Video series regarding the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents and a sibling. This video details the CSA, Child Sexual Abuse and Incest I was forced to endure at 8 years old. This video is EXPLICIT and GRAPHIC and I advise that you watch at your own discretion. The topics of child abuse and child sexual abuse can make people very uncomfortable and can trigger survivors of abuse. Please make the right decision for yourself. I am 7 years old in this photo. My birthday is late in the year so I would be turning 8 before the new year. This is the last year I would be a virgin as my brother began to sexually abuse me that winter. I suffered repeated child rape, sodomy and sexual abuse for nearly one year from January 1974 until October that year. My mom knew about the incest, because I had developed a bad infection as a result of the damage done and I began to get sick. After the third sexual assault rape I told my mom and she did nothing to help me except to say that it was "my problem" and not "her problem" and for me to "wrap myself up like a mummy at night with my blankets". That was her answer. She turned a blind eye, and a blind ear to the sexual assaults my brother inflicted on me. I sat in bathtubs of rose coloured bloody water, holding my legs, rocking back and forth in so much pain from the rape and sodomy. I was afraid I would die, and then after so many more rapes and assaults on my body, I was hoping I would die. The damage done to my body was irreparable even if I had decided as an adult to have reconstructive surgery. I was made barren by my brother who was 21 years old at the time of the CSA, he was about 6'5" tall and weighed around 200 lbs. The damage to my mind and heart and spirit and soul left me wanting to die. My mom was abusing me severely at this time, beating me with heavy objects and cracked my head open with the wooden handle of a meat mallet and then beat me in the kitchen. I realised at this time that my mom was truly trying to hurt me and that I was just a punching bag for her. I was made to take it, deal with it, be okay with it. If I cried I was beaten again until I stopped crying. If I said anything I was beaten again for "opening my G'damn mouth". My mom called me a whore because my brother raped me and my brother called me "his whore" while raping me. I began to shut down at this point in my life and began to hate my self, my family and life itself. EXPLICIT/GRAPHIC WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING! This video is part of the Born in Hell Video series regarding the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents and a sibling. This video details the CSA, Child Sexual Abuse and Incest I was forced to endure from 8 to 9 years old. This video is EXPLICIT and GRAPHIC and I advise that you watch at your own discretion. The topics of child abuse and child sexual abuse can make people very uncomfortable and can trigger survivors of abuse. Please make the right decision for yourself. I do not go into too many graphic details on this video, my book "One Child Abuse Survivor 2 Another: The Journey" is detailed and explicit and adult material for adults only. In this video I shared my pain, physical as well as emotional and spiritual pain that the CSA/incest caused. I was already shutting down and closing myself off because of the previous 7 years of abuse at the hands of my parents and the dysfunction I was forced to be a part of. The child sexual abuse finished me off. I felt dead at this time, and could not understand why my mom did not get me help when I disclosed that my brother Rob had been doing things to me at night and was hurting me. My mother explained that it was my problem and not hers and turned a blind eye and a blind ear and allowed my 21 year old brother Rob to rape me over a period of 10 months. I developed a bad infection from the damage to my body and found out at age 21 after a gynaecology check up, that the damage done from the CSA had made me barren and even with reconstructive surgery, I would probably never become pregnant or ever be able to carry a child. I was told this at the age of 18 years old after I had a bad car accident, but I was in shock from the accident and did not care at that point if I lived or died, so I just stuffed that information back into "the drawer" so I wouldn't have to deal with it. The CSA/incest scarred me for life and at this time at 8 years old I could not let anyone touch me, and could not allow anyone to get close to me. I carried this into my adult years and it is still a part of me today although I have made great progress in my healing journey since May 22, 2007. Prior to this date, I was contemplating suicide on a regular basis and had nearly gone through with my plans several times. When I began my healing journey, I decided to live, to reach out, to get help and that is why I work so hard to spread this message to other survivors of abuse. Do not ever give up! Stay alive! Get help! Reach out! Do not be destroyed by the past abuse, because that allows the abusers to win the fight! I decided to live and to win this fight! Christmas 1972, Rob was 21 years old, I had just turned 8 years old. This is the last month I would be a virgin. My brother Rob began to sexually abuse me January 1973 to October 1973.
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you! |