A Poem I wrote to my 8 year old self who survived incest, child rape, sodomy and sexual abuse5/21/2017
Child of Pain
Oh my child, my child of pain Let me hold you if you trust me I promise I won't leave you again Left alone in the dark these many years Bound and Gagged in so much pain those endless tears you cried all alone the door was shut, you were left on your own The torture and torment as he raped you 37 years, while I did not want to think about you I had to split, my child of pain as I knew I could not live with that kind of pain Your wounded body, raped and torn Your wounded soul, Your life he stole My wounded body, did finally heal No children would I have from the ordeal My wounded mind, raped everyday As I knew the truth about my child of pain Let me untie you, set you free I will sit here on the bed and keep you company One day we will truly heal, learn to love again Let me help you precious girl We can hold each other Soothe away the pain Together we will take back our body We will take back our virginity We will take back our power He cannot hurt us anymore We have purged and cleansed ourselves From his evil deeds We are free my precious to love ourselves No longer do we live in shame No longer will we have to endure this pain It is over my precious child I promise I will never leave you again Laurie Ann Smith Copyright 2011 This picture is a depiction of one of the beatings I was forced to endure at the hands of my mother. Both of my parents abused me as well as my brother who was 13 years older than me and sexually abused me from 8 to 9 years old. I was 10 years old when my mother beat me and then came back for "Round 2" and I detailed this in my book, "A Life of Death: The Redemption". There is NO EXCUSE for child abuse. No one is forced to abuse a child. People abuse children for many reasons, but none of them are acceptable! Do all you can to help stop and prevent child abuse!
This video is from my Healing Word of Life Bible Study video series looking at Biblical Counselling information. The topic of sexual abuse and child sexual abuse is very sensitive and upsetting for most people. Please watch at your own discretion. This video is from my Healing Word of Life Bible Study video series looking at Biblical Counselling information. The topic of sexual abuse and child sexual abuse is very sensitive and upsetting for most people. Please watch at your own discretion. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. I had moved Cecil into his own apartment and moved myself into an apartment downtown, close to the pub I was Sous Chef at. I was sad that Cecil and I had separated, but we had decided that we were not really "breaking up", but just living separately. I missed having him around and it took some time just to figure out what I would do with my time, what I liked to eat and it really felt like a loss in my life. I would go visit Cecil twice a week and cook supper for him, go to the store for him and help him with anything he needed. I was really just checking on him to make sure he was okay at his new apartment. There was a nurse onsite in his building but I just wanted to make sure that his needs were being met. I began to settle into my new suite, and because I have more time on my hands, I begin to experience more flashbacks, and more problems stemming from the abuse I suffered as a child. It always seemed that when I was on my own, the abuse and adult survivor issues would hit me in the face. I was still working with my friend at the pub, and as I turned 41 years old, my friend decided that she wanted a new guy who had just started working at the pub to be her Sous Chef. My friend turned on me and began to tell me hurtful things and tell me that she found I was too much and needed help. She started a fight with me at work one day and I blew up at her and quit the job and the friendship. It was really just more rejection. Cecil rejected me, he moved out. My friend rejected me, she wanted me out of her life. I was very much on my own again and even though Cecil and I were still a "couple", I was very lonely and depressed. I kept on working and got a new job. Within the first 3 weeks they fired me, saying that I just wasn't fitting in there. I was 41 years old and had never been fired before. I picked up unemployment for a while and took a break. The same day I was fired, I found out that I had to move out of my suite because the lady who owned it had to sell it. I moved across to another building to another suite and as I was slowly unpacking in my new place, the toll of that year began to manifest. Cecil moved out, my best friend rejected me, I lost my job, I got fired from a new job, I had to move and have very little funds to work with. It was all too much. I began to sink into a depression and one month after I moved to the new place I got a phone call from my abuser dad who was living in Arizona at this time. He phoned to say hello and immediately began to run my dead mother down into the ground. He began to call her all the names he called her as I was growing up. I could not believe he would do that. She had been dead and in the ground for 10 years and he was still running her down. I became very angry and told him I would never speak to him again if he ever did that again. He said he wouldn't and we ended the conversation. As the weeks rolled on, I was looking for work and not finding anything. I was having flashbacks on a regular basis, body memories were haunting me and the pain in my heart was so intense that I could not deal with it. I began to sink into a black pit of despair and one night while sitting on my couch in the dark, I picked up a rusty screwdriver off my coffee table and decide that I should self injure. I wanted to rip my body to shreds with it in order to show the world what my abuser parents and brother had done to me. I wanted to end the pain and began to think of ways to end my life. I wanted the pain to be over and as I sat there holding the screw driver in my hand, I began to convince myself that this should be it, I should do it and take myself out. Then I began to think about who I was doing that for, was it for me to end my pain or was it to force my family to care about me. I realised that no one would care if I self injured or killed myself. No one cared that my two brothers killed themselves. The world doesn't care and I realised that no one cares. I knew that Cecil would never understand why I would end my life. It would bother him because he was emotionally stable and he would not have understood. One side of myself was telling myself to go ahead and do it, and kill myself. The other side was telling me to live. I was in so much pain emotionally, I could not see myself taking another breath. All the body memories were there from the physical abuse, the child rape and sodomy, and all the verbal abuse assaults were rolling around in my head. The one side of myself was telling me to go ahead and end it all, after all, I was just a rape child no one wanted, I was just a whore and useless and no one cared about me. The other side was telling me to live, live, live. I decided to put the screw driver down and from that moment on made the decision to live. I made a promise to myself and to God to live, to reach out and to get help and this is my victory! I win this fight! Every day that I wake up is my victory over my abuser family. I am healing, reaching out, getting help, learning to love myself, learning to take care of myself, learning to manage life and coping skills. I hope that anyone watching this will remember, you do count, you do matter and you did not deserve to be abused in any way. Please reach out and get help, no matter what kind of help it is. Make the RIGHT choice! LIVE! This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. The years rolled on and Cecil and I were enjoying our lives together. I left the pub after I began to burn out in the kitchen and began to work at a bank, and was enjoying my new job. Michelle and I were still really good friends and spent a lot of time together running around downtown Calgary together. She was really my best friend and was always doing so many nice things for me and Cecil. Cecil was still working up north in the bush. He was lead cook at the camps up north in the Northwest Territories and the Yukon. He would be gone all winter long, and home during the summer. When he was gone, working up north, I would miss him terribly and was thankful to have Michelle in my life. By the time I hit 35 years old in December 2000, my sister decided that she wanted to move up to Canada in order to get away from our abusive dad. She had let him live with her and her daughter Kimberly after our mom passed away and he was driving her absolutely crazy. I told her to think about the move carefully and to make sure that Kim's best interests were involved. She said she would think about it. January 2001 rolled around and Cecil had to go back up north for another contract position, and before he left he noticed that his legs were swelling up, basically double the normal size that they were. He began to get sick but he decided to go up north anyway. Just a few weeks after he went north, I received a phone call that Cecil had become ill at work and they had him airlifted by air ambulance to the hospital in Peace River. They kept him there until he was stable and then flew him to an Edmonton hospital and then brought him home to Calgary by ambulance. He was in the hospital for a week before being released to come home. They had run tests and could not find the problem that caused him to become so sick. Cecil had many more tests done by specialists and he was told he had to go for the test results on Valentines day, February 14, 2001. By this time I had a car and I drove him to the hospital. It was the special services building where they diagnose and treat cancer and other deadly diseases. I waited in the car for Cecil while he went to see the specialist. Cecil and I did not go with each other to doctor visits and so I sat in the car, freezing my behind off, snow covered, icy winter chill landscape was everywhere my eyes would set. It was full blown winter and it was a really cold one in Alberta. The heater in the car could not keep up with the -30 Celsius winter winds that whipped ice crystals around like clouds in the air. I was starting to shake and hoped Cecil would be out soon. He wasn't feeling well and I knew that this visit would just make him feel worse. Cecil came out and walked toward the car. He opened the door on the passenger side, and slid into the seat, closing the door. He had a definite worried look on his face and I could tell he was upset. He spoke softly, and told me, "honey, I'm dying". I froze. I could not believe my ears. I said, "what?" and he said, "I'm dying". I said, "No! That's just a great Valentines day gift isn't it?" because that was all I could think of to say. I could not believe it! The love of my life had just told me he was dying. Tears began to flow from my eyes, and he was crying. We just sat there, both of us freezing our butts off, mid winter madness hit us as we realised the reality that we now had to face. I asked him what it was, and he told me he had end stage liver disease. He explained that he had to go for more testing and that they did not know how much time he had left, but it was terminal and it was end stage. I pulled myself together after becoming completely unglued for about 10 minutes. My head was spinning, I couldn't breath, tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't see, and I thought I would vomit. I pulled it together and thought about the man sitting next to me, and how hard this must be for him, having to tell the love of his life sitting next to him that he was dying. I held his hand, and we calmed down, and I drove us home. Our lives would become very hectic for a while after Cecil's diagnosis. We had to make a trip to Edmonton for a three day seminar with the liver specialists and Cecil had many more tests to do. My work was very gracious to me and allowed me the time I needed to make sure we had everything done that needed to be done for Cecil. About a month after the diagnosis, my sister Kathi and her daughter Kim moved up to Calgary. I helped her as much as I could and told her about Cecil at this time. I did not have much time to spend with them between working and making sure Cecil's needs were being met. It was a busy time and Cecil and I just focused on doing what the doctors told us in order to help Cecil live as long as possible. Cecil was diagnosed at that time with 2 to 5 years to live, but they said they did not know how long he had, it could be 6 months or 10 years and there was no way to tell. These years were very busy and rolled by fast. Cecil and I decided that we would not let this disease beat us, and we stayed positive and decided that we were going to live our lives as normally as possible and not let this destroy us. We continued to enjoy our time together even though Cecil did become sicker and sicker as each year rolled by. My friend Michelle was working as Executive Chef at another pub and when I was 39 years old, she asked me to join her at the pub as her Sous Chef. She encouraged me to work with her and I had dreamed of the opportunity to be a Sous Chef so I jumped at the opportunity and left the bank. It was a great challenge and the money was really good. My skills were good, and the kitchen staff respected my work and knowledge and Michelle continue to train me to run the kitchen. That summer, she was injured at home and had to take the summer off, and I was able to run the kitchen at that awesome pub for the entire summer. It was a great challenge, and I was really grateful for the opportunity to prove to myself that I could do it. This year, Cecil's youngest son in England wanted to come and see him and spend some time with him, knowing that Cecil was terminally ill. He came and stayed with us for about 6 months and after he arrived it became clear that he had so many unresolved issues because Cecil was not in his life and did not help raise him. He felt abandoned and wanted to tell Cecil to his face how this affected him. I understood completely, and tried to be a voice of reason for them both and keep the peace in our home. Cecil began to get sicker by the day and decided that he needed to move out of our home into a senior care facility that had a nurse onsite. I was upset, but knew that Cecil needed to make the best decisions he needed to for his health, and for his life. I was not happy about it, but I wanted to support Cecil with whatever decisions he needed to make in his condition. I moved him into his new senior care apartment and Cecil told me that I needed to move on with my life. He felt that he was a burden to me, and holding me back and I told him that I did not want to move on and find another husband. I wanted to be with him to the end, and he knew that. We were a team, and he was breaking the team up! This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After realising that I truly loved Cecil and cared about him, I decided to take a chance and call him to see if he was still living at our old apartment in Edmonton, and if he was single or if he was in a relationship. I was so nervous as I picked up the phone to call him, thinking to myself that he might reject me, or have a girlfriend, or just not want to have anything to do with me after I broke up with him. To my surprise he answered the phone. We spoke about my mom's death and he told me that he did not have anyone else in his life except one person, me. He waited for me to call him and had saved all of the things I had left behind when I left him. I told him that I was still grieving my mom's death, but otherwise I had been working in Calgary and things were going okay. I told him about the fact that I could not stop thinking about him since I left him, and that I truly loved him and cared about him. We had a great time talking on the phone and Cecil asked me if he could come and visit with me for a day or a couple of days and we would talk and see if we could start our relationship over. I told him yes, and was so excited about him coming to see me. He arrived and we had a great time together. I told him I loved him, and was sure of my feelings about him. He told me that he loved me from the beginning and realised that I was the one for him shortly after we began to see each other. At this point, Cecil asked me if I thought it would be a good idea, he would go back to Edmonton for a few weeks, and give me time to think about our relationship and that if it was what I wanted, that we should try again, because he loved me. He wanted to give me lots of space and not scare me because I had just left him for a year. running from the relationship. I continued to work at the pub and think about getting back together with him, and decided that we should try again. Cecil began to make preparations in Edmonton to move in with me in Calgary. A few days before he arrived I began to panic and become anxious. I was afraid that I wasn't making the right decisions, and began to worry that at some point he might hurt me, or I might run again. I knew that when he arrived, we needed to sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk. He arrived and after I made him something to eat and he had time to relax, I told him we needed to talk. I explained why I had left him, and that I was sorry for hurting him and blaming him for not being there for me when I lost our baby. I told him everything about my past, the child abuse I suffered at the hands of both of my parents, the child sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother, the dysfunction, the domestic violence between my parents, my own destructive behaviours and drug abuse as a teen, and the fact that I don't know how to receive love or care, and that I do not know how to trust anyone, including myself. I told him everything and explained just how wounded I was, and that I needed someone in my life who could deal with my own dysfunction and who won't abuse me and hurt me further because I could take no more abuse from anyone. I explained that if we were going to be together, then it had to be through the good times and the bad, that we would need to make each other's lives better, and to be there to help each other with everything. I told him that if we were just going to hurt each other, then we needed to call it quits right now. He agreed, and then he had his opportunity to tell me what he felt was important for me to know. He said that I had hurt him by leaving him, because he loved me and that he would never hit me, or abuse me. He was sad because I did not trust him, because he is a trustworthy person. He explained his past and agreed with me that we needed to be there for each other to help each other to the end. He said that he would definitely watch his words around me now that he knew just how wounded I was and how horribly abused I had been growing up. We started our relationship again, and I was so extremely happy to have him back in my life, but now with my own boundaries set, and it was so amazing to be with him again. I never become pregnant again, but for the first time, in my entire lifetime, I got to experience real love. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. The first few months in Calgary were all about getting as many hours at work I possibly could in order to make my rent payments and bill payments. I enjoyed the job at the pub and was getting some great experience there. After work I would go home late at night, and sit on my sleeping bag on the floor that was on top of my clothes for extra padding. I had nothing in the apartment except what I brought in which was my duffel bag with my clothing, my alarm clock, my cassette player and music. It was an unfurnished apartment but I didn't care. I was happy to have a roof over my head that I could call my own. I began to grieve my mom's death at this time. Calgary is the city that both of my brothers committed suicide in. I walked by the place where my brother Rob hung himself in his apartment. I looked up at the building and all the windows, but I don't know which apartment he was in. I walked by the shelter where my brother Howard died of a drug overdose. This brings back some sad feeling I had for my brothers, but I just deal with it. I made a new friend working at the pub. She was a few years older than me and basically took me under her wing at work because she knew I was on my own in Calgary and did not know anyone. We hit it off and were beginning to enjoy our new friendship. But all the while, after work I would go home, plunk down on my sleeping bag on the floor, and grieve the loss of my mom. At this time, I had no idea the amount of emotional, psychological scarring my parents and brother had caused me. I realised that because my mom was gone, my inner child was screaming out in agony and grief because she knew that she was never going to get what she needed from her mother. She would never be held by her mother, she would never be loved by her mother. She would never hear the things she needed to hear from her mother. I realised that this small person was me from childhood, and I was grieving the loss of what I would never receive from my mother and there wasn't any other mother who could do this for me. I began to have flashbacks and nightmares about the abuse. I had very few nightmares about the abuse before my mom died. This was all a new nightmare. The abuse that I had tucked away neatly in the drawers was starting to boil, and an inner rage began to well up within me, and I knew that abuse would explode out of those drawers at some point. I just worked and continued to grieve and try to keep the abuse from spilling over the drawers during this year, and at the same time I began to realise that I truly loved Cecil and I thought about him the whole first year in Calgary. |
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you! |