This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. This is part two, a continuation from Ages 21 to 27. My dream of my "perfect man" was over within a year. I had turned 22 years old, and my relationship with Mark had turned sour. I found out that he had been sexually abused by his dad when he was a child and physically abused as well. He began to abuse me verbally after the first 6 months we were together and he also began to become violent around me, hitting cupboard cabinets in his camper when we were out on weekend trips together. He never hit me, but he wanted to, so instead he punched the cabinet by my head. I had never dealt with my own anger issues and I began cursing him, calling him names, and throwing things around the camper. We decide to call it quits as he felt he was going to hurt me. He drove off, never looking back and my heart was broken. My dream of my "perfect one" was over. I continued to live at home with my abuser parents, and working with my mom until I hit the age of 25. I went to cooking school for one year and then at the age of 26 got a job in the Grand Canyon, Arizona for a one year contract. I went to the Grand Canyon with the idea that I could end it all. I could end the pain. I rarely talked to anyone while working there and had almost committed suicide several times. It was just a matter of stepping on the gas peddle of my car and going over the edge, never to return. Something always stopped me, and so I sat outside after my shifts late at night, on a tiny balcony looking at the stars, and cried, grieved and hated myself, hated my life, hated what my parents did to me, to each other, to my siblings. I hated my body, I hated being a woman, I hated being vulnerable. I hated the abuse I suffered, and the body memories of my brother raping me as a child. My contract came to an end and I went back home to New Mexico to my old abuser's place. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. My brother Rob had committed suicide when I was 20 years old, he was 33 years old. I did not go to the funeral and I discuss in this video that I was continuing to do massive amounts of drugs, was partying all the time, and working full time. I still wasn't taking care of myself and was still living at home with my abuser parents. My parents were less physically violent toward each other at this time due to their age, but they continued to verbally batter each other and scream and shout at each other. My mom's health at this time was very bad and I tried to help my mom out as much as possible. My best friend Di is still living with her abusive boyfriend, and after a bad violent night out partying, I decided that I needed to get off the drugs. I was 21 years old and had been smoking pot since I was 12 years old, doing heavy drugs since I was 15 years old and I was tired of the violence and started to feel that my life would end up the same as my brother Rob, either I would commit suicide or I would end up a drug user in the gutter as an adult. I decided to tell my friends that I could no longer hang around with them because I would continue to use drugs and I broke off from them. I stayed home and watched television, travel logs, and began to become drug free. It took me a year to get off the drugs. I met a guy through a pen pal club, and we hit it off. We talked on the phone and we corresponded for about 6 months and he decided he was going to come down to New Mexico to spend time with me to see how our relationship would go. I was so excited about this relationship and decided I needed to get on the pill just in case we decided to have sexual relations. I went to the gynaecologist for my first check up in order to get on the pill. The lady gynaecologist during the exam was getting angry, becoming upset, walking away and then coming back, and I was thinking she was a horrible doctor and rude and I was angry at the way she was behaving toward me. After the exam was over and I got dressed, she brought my chart with the results of the exam and she began to talk to me. She said "So, you wrote here on your chart that you are a virgin?" and I said, "Yes, I'm a virgin, I've never had sex with anyone" and she said, "well, honey, I got news for you, you are no virgin. You can say that all you want to, you are an adult, 21 years old and if you want to say you are a virgin, that's up to you. We see the damage, the scar tissue, it's child sexual abuse, rape, and you have so much scar tissue that you will probably never be able to become pregnant. You can get on the pill, it's probably a good idea, but the chances of you becoming pregnant, it's just not going to happen. If you do become pregnant by some miracle, you will probably not be able to carry the baby without having reconstructive surgery. If you want to press charges, that is up to you, but we are reporting it as CSA." I was sitting there listening to this, upset, but not crying. I told her that it was my brother who was 21 years old, I was 8 and he raped me for a year. I told her I would possibly have pressed charges after hearing this from her, but my brother who did this to me had killed himself the year before when I was 20 years old, and he was 33. She just touched my shoulder, was practically crying. I told her that it was just my life, and I would be okay and deal with it. I left, got my pills, and went home to my abuser parents apartment that we had moved into after leaving the La Veta block behind at age 19. I went to my room and did not tell anyone about the gynaecology check up. I just closed my bedroom door, and the tears began to flow, silent tears. As the next few weeks rolled by I was very excited about this guy coming to see me. I felt in my heart that I loved him and I hadn't met him in person, but we became so close just talking on the phone. When he arrived, it was all I thought it would be. WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. I discuss in this video that after my car wreck I focused on working, paying my bills off, getting a used car because I had wrecked my Chevy Nova at age 18. During these two years I worked 2 and then 3 jobs, while on crutches. In order to do this, I had to use massive amounts of speed to stay awake. I only slept about two to three hours a night because I was working a day job, a graveyard job, and a weekend job. I was still partying with my friends and still living at home with my abuser parents. My friend Di moved in with her new boyfriend who was abused as a child and had severe anger issues. He was a serious drug user, shooting up speed balls and we began to do massive amounts of drugs that he supplied. They did not get along and fought all the time and my friend Di's boyfriend became physically abusive toward her, beating on her. My friend Di was tough, grew up in an abusive home as well and she fought back. She was still getting the worst end of the beatings. I feared for my friends life, but she was determined to stay with him. After a serious drug party went bad, I decided that I had had enough of the abuse and violence as her boyfriend threatened to kill me, slamming me up against a wall, choking me and threatening to kill me. I told him to go ahead and kill me, because he couldn't kill me, I was already dead. I turned 20 and my brother Rob who had sexually abused me committed suicide. He hung himself. He was a cocaine user, but that was not his main problem. His main problem was that he was born to two parents who held him in their hands and told him, "welcome to our hell" at birth. I was not surprised that he killed himself, as he had attempted suicide many times before and he finally made it. My mom was upset because I did not show any emotion after she told me they found his body and it was suicide. I told her that it was their (my mom and dad's) fault that he was dead. They allowed him to do drugs as a young boy, they abused him, they beat him and that it was just a little too late for tears. My mom did not make an issue about me not going to my brother's funeral. I had put all that child sexual abuse in a drawer, and it was still there and I did not care at this time that my brother killed himself. I did not care about him at all. My brother raped me for a year from 8 to 9 years old, tied me up, gagged me, put tape over my mouth, raped me, sodomized me, and used me as his own personal sex toy for a year, ripping my vagina, damaging my uterus, and causing me to have an infection that could have killed me. I bled for months and he continued to rape me, even knowing that I was in so much pain and bleeding, and that my hip was out of place from my dad dragging me by my leg and twisting my hip out of socket when I was 6 years old, he made it even worse. He caused me so much pain and caused me to hate my body, hate being a woman, hate sexuality, and caused me to shut down, no one touches me, no one gets close... ever... I did not care that he killed himself, because he did not care that he killed me. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. I discussed the last half of my 17th year, my mom was still back handing me and actually attacked me at work one afternoon. After she hit me, the ladies in the office stopped her from continuing the beating on any further. Our boss found out and warned my mom that what she had done was inappropriate at the office and I was too old for that kind of treatment, and that my mom should try talking with me instead of hitting me. That was the very last time my mom ever hit me, or ever attempted to hit me or inflict any physical abuse toward me again. The verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse continued on. That never stopped until the day she went into a coma and died. My friends and me were doing massive amounts of drugs and drinking and smoking massive amounts of pot at this time. I was high all the time, that was my way of keeping all the abuse, the physical abuse from my parents, the child sexual abuse, rape, sodomy by my brother Rob, stuffed into a little drawer in which I keep it there so I can cope. The drugs made that so much easier. I was still unwanted, unloved, not being cared for and abused by my parents, it just wasn't physical abuse anymore, it was just as painful and hurt just as bad. I did not care if I did too many drugs and overdosed, and I did not care if I ended up dead in a car wreck and I drove fast and dangerously every where I went. I had a bad car wreck at age 18, in which they had to do full body x-rays checking for broken bones and internal damage to my body. At this time, the specialists revealed to me that the x-rays had shown multiple fractures to my skull in different places, neck damage, damage to my jaws and face, cracked and fractured ribs, separated ribs, as well as the hip injury, fractured coccyx and CSA, child sexual abuse. They advised that the damage to my body had been done years before, as these were the old fractures revealed by the x-rays. They asked me if I had been abused at that time. I was over 18 years old and it was up to me to press charges. The same thing happened to me when I went to see the gynaecologist at age 21 in which I had filled out the forms saying I was a "virgin" and had never had sexual intercourse before with anyone. They explained the damage to my body, the scar tissue, and advised that I would probably never be able to become pregnant, or even carry a child, even with reconstructive surgery. I explained that the person who had done that to me was my brother who had raped me from 8 to 9 years old when he was 21 and that he had committed suicide the year before when I was 20 years old. After the car accident I could not move out with my friend Di, I was broke, had to pay my doc bill, hospital bill, buy a new used car, and was in a cast for one year and crutches for two years. I had one year of physical therapy to go to after the cast came off and had to pay for that too. I was hoping to move away and get free from my pain and my past by the age of 20. During this time I was in our friend Tammy's band and sang back up vocals, which was such a blast. But my friends and I are doing heavy drugs at this time and that took all of our time and interest. We were heavy drug users by the time I was 19 years old. I was never looked after properly and so I did not look after myself. My parents hurt me, so, I hurt myself. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. This photo was taken in October, after a beating my mom gave me in front of my BFF Di. I was 15 years old, 2 months away from my 16th birthday. I was in 12th grade. My BFF Di was 13 years old. My friend watched my mom punch my spine as hard as she could, knocking me down two sets of stairs into my bedroom, and then as I lay on the ground, my mom began to back hand my face, slapping me, punching me, pulling my hair and kicking me all the while screaming at me and calling me names. My friend told my mom that there were laws against child abuse. My mom let me go and turned to my friend telling her to get out of her house. I left the house after my friend, slamming the screen door several times and yelled at my mom, "you wanna beat me? you wanna beat me? you wanna beat me? Go ahead!! I'm sick of it". I slammed the door one more time and said, "you wanna beat me?!! I KNOW YOU DO!!! NO MORE!" and ran to catch up with my friend who had began to walk home to her house. I spent the night on her couch that night and would spend many nights on her couch after that until the age of 19 years old. WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. Two months after my friend Arlene had been killed, hit by a car, that summer I met a new "best friend" Dianna and we began to hang out every day. She lived 2 blocks from me, was 2 years younger and I had never hung out with her before. My friends Arlene and Des were gone so I began to hang out with Di and the neighbourhood kids on my block. That summer I suffered two beatings from my mom and dad. My mom had beaten me severely for something the neighbour kids had done that I had no part of. She wrenched my arm and knocked me to the ground on my knees, kneed me in the face with her knee and began to slap me, backhand me, punch me. I was on my hands and knees protecting my head and she continued the beating, punching my back and pounding me with her fists as hard as she could. She cursed me and kicked my side as hard as she could several times. When she had finished beating me she went into the kitchen and threw a fit, called my oldest sister Irene to tell her how much she hated me, hated my attitude, wanted me out of the house, wanted me gone and wanted to kill me because of all the trouble I had caused her. I got up off the floor and went to my room to see what damage was done to my face again. I could not defend myself or I would receive another beating so I just stayed in my room listening to my mom talking to my sister about how bad I was. Within a few weeks of that beating my mom gave me, my dad beat me with a branch from a Spanish Broom plant we had in our side yard. My friends and I were having fun chasing each other around with that branch and my dad came around the corner and saw me chasing a neighbourhood boy who lived across the street. My dad decided to "teach me a lesson" and grabbed the cane from my hand, knocked me down face up in the dirt side yard and whipped my legs with it putting me into convulsions from the pain. My dad was 6'5" tall and weighed about 250 lbs. He was ex-military and did one handed push ups in the morning. When he decided he had inflicted enough pain, he broke the cane over his knee, threw it on the ground next to me and went into the house. My friends were across the street, they left when he started to beat me. One week after this beating from my dad and the previous one from my mom, my parents were having another one of their regular domestic disputes at night. I could hear my dad slap my mom and my mom screaming at him. I was laying on my bed listening to them fight. I was thinking to myself, "why should I care? why should I go help my mom? The two of them just finished beating the crap out of me and why should I care? Let them kill each other, see if I care!" but I could not stand to listen to my dad slapping my mom and my mom crying out. I heard a big crash and I went out to see if I could get my dad to leave my mom alone. My mom had bashed my dad in the head with a huge, heavy ceramic lamp we had in the living room. My dad had blood pouring from the gash on his head. He still had my mom up against the wall and I approached him, telling him to "leave her alone!". He let go of my mom and grabbed me by my arms. He shoved me as hard as he could across the room into my bedroom wall. My head and back hit the wall and I slumped to the ground, dazed and almost unconscious. My mom pushed past my dad and said to him, "if you ever touch me again, I will kill you!!" and went into the kitchen. My dad went to his bedroom and I was laying on the floor again, in so much pain, wondering why I bothered to protect my mom from my dad, when she had been beating me, burning me, cursing me, allowed my brother to rape me? It was because it was the right thing to do. I got up off the ground and went back to my room with a massive headache and backache. This was my life. My mom never thanked me for trying to protect her from my dad even though she knew I suffered beatings at his hands to do so, and suffered a life time of skull, neck, and back damage from being thrown into walls by him. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. In this video I describe the continuation of the abuse in my home, the domestic violence between my parents who were always fighting. My brother Howard was still living at home at this time, using massive amounts of drugs and overdosing during these years. He actually died on our kitchen floor one day and the paramedics saved his life in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He went into a coma and woke up 3 weeks later with mild brain damage due to the overdose and being clinically dead. My mom continued to verbally abuse me, slap me around, and throw things at me. My dad was still beating me with his belt buckle across my face, and I used to curse at him and tell him I hated him to his face, he would then throw me to the ground and beat my legs and back with his belt. I hated my dad at this time and did not care. He was still attempting suicide at this time and as always, he continued to come into my room at night and tell me he was going to kill the family and himself because we were all from the devil. My dad was still attempting to rape my mom and I was in the 11th grade. This was my life. My best friend Arlene was killed, hit by a car and I was devastated. After her funeral, I sat in the back yard cursing God for leaving me and taking her. I was the one who was dead, who wanted to be gone and not living. I could not figure out why God would leave me in this hell house with people who did not care about me and just wanted to hurt me, and would take my friend away from a family that loved her. I had a big problem with God after this time and already had issues with him because of the abuse anyway. My heart was broken and I sank into a depression. My mom was highly abusive toward me because I was not allowed to feel anything, and because I was down and missing my friend, my mom used any excuse she could to beat me and kick me around. |
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you! |