WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After my mom had completely destroyed my heart, telling me that she never wanted any of us, we did not count, and that we did not matter to her, I decided I had to move far, far away. I decided to move to Canada, because I had dual citizenship and I proceeded to get all my paperwork done, documentation complete and packed my few belongings in storage. I was ready to make my final cut, and move on and begin my life as an adult for the first time. I told my mom and dad I was moving to Canada and my mom was attempting to con me into staying. She could not use the old ploy of crying and pleading with me to stay and help keep my dad from raping her, because my dad was not attempting to rape her anymore. The only thing she could think of was to try and guilt me into staying in order to help her stay alive. She told me several times during the four months that passed while I was preparing to move that if I left, she would die because my dad would not help her get what she needed to stay alive. I did not fall for it. She did not want me to stay in order that we might build our relationship or learn to love each other and get along, she wanted me to stay so she could continue to use me. I told her I had to go. The day I was leaving for the airport, my mom was sitting at the kitchen table, not looking at me while I talked to her. I told her that I loved her, that I had always loved her. I told her that it was my turn now to get my life going and that I had to go. I kissed my mom on the top of her head because she would not look at me. I left, and arrived at the airport, boarded the plane, sat down and put my seat belt on, looked out the window, and breathed a heavy sigh. It had all been too much. All of the abuse, the manipulation, the con games, the torture of my mind and body had all been too much. I was tired, exhausted and emotionally drained. I went to Canada to stay with my brother and his wife in Alberta. I found a job within three weeks and was excited about getting my own life started for the first time at the age of 29 years old. Within a few weeks of working as a cook's helper on a railway tie maintenance crew train, I began to become attracted to the lead cook. He was handsome, friendly, very polite and very mature. We had been getting along so well at work and I knew he liked me too. We began seeing each other and after another few weeks rolled by, we were a "unit" and officially together. I felt that I could trust him, and because I had been sexually abused as a child, had difficulty allowing him to get close, but I was so needing to be held, to be loved, to be a woman. The CSA/incest that I suffered as a child caused me to break down and cry and become upset when Cecil would try to get close, and I had to fill him in a bit about the abuse because he knew I had been hurt by someone. He held me, consoled me, and treated me with kindness, love, care and was so gentle with me and my feelings. It was so good to have him in my life and we were really enjoying our time together. Within a month after we started seeing each other, we both were injured while working and had to get off the train to go to Edmonton for treatment. Cecil was going to have to stay in Edmonton and have surgery, and my wrist was in a soft cast from tendinitis and would be for about 3 months. Cecil wasn't sure if we should try and stay together in Edmonton or just go our separate ways. I wasn't sure either but we decided to split the cost of a motel near the hospital for one month to see how our relationship went. We really enjoyed each other's company so much. He was lonely before he met me, and I was so in need of someone to love me and just hold me and want to spend time with me. We knew that we cared about each other but were not sure if it was a lifetime relationship. The first week in the motel, I had a nightmare about my mom abusing me and woke up crying, shaking, and yelling out loud that my mom abused me. Cecil woke up and just held me, consoled me and listened to me as I told him about some of the abuse she inflicted on me. He had already seen some of the scars on my body, but he did not know the extent of the damage done. I really needed someone to hold me close, to comfort me, to not let me go. After our month at the motel was up, we decided to move into a furnished apartment together and give our relationship more time to develop. This was all new to me, but I was willing to give it a try. WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After my brother Howard's funeral, my mom's health went downhill. She had fallen and had a stroke and broke her hip and had to have hip replacement surgery. My mom was so miserable and depressed at this point that she reverted back to her old "self" and began to curse at me and my dad. She sat at the kitchen table, depressed, trying to recover from her surgery, she would not do her exercises and my dad and I were doing everything we could to help her out and nothing was good enough. Because my mom was hurting, she was going to make sure that we were hurting too. My dad tried to help her out at this time, and she picked fights with him every chance she got. One night, after dinner, my dad was doing the dishes and my mother began screaming at my dad and starting a fight with him. My mom began throwing things at my dad, cursing him. I was in the living room listening to them fight again, and I could not believe that they were still continuing on in their insane manic behaviour towards each other, and I got angry. I went to the kitchen and screamed at them, "LISTEN TO YOURSELVES, WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELVES?!! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOUR CHILDREN!!" I began to name all of my siblings from my sister Irene, Kevin, Rob, Ches, Howard, Kathi down to me. I wanted them to see the damage they had done to us through our lives and take responsibility for it, own up to it. I was so tired of listening to my mom screaming at my dad, and my dad cursing at my mom. I was so tired of listening to their sick and twisted sexual banter between them. I started throwing my own things around the living room and breaking my things to make a point. My dad came into the living room to see if he could get me to calm down. I told him to leave the living room because I did not want to hurt him, like he hurt me. He left the room. I continued to trash the living room, while my mom sat in the kitchen wailing and balling and crying her eyes out. I finished breaking my stuff and went to my room to calm down. My mom went to her room and laid down and sobbed. I gave her some time to calm down and went into see if she was okay. My mom said to me that she hated her life and should have just killed herself years before and I had heard this from the time I was cognitive, at the age of 4. I wanted to console my mom but at the same time I wanted her to own up to whether or not she truly loved her children and wanted us. I told my mom that there had to be something in this life that made it worthwhile; that her children should count for something. My mom rolled over and looked at me and said she never wanted any of us. I had heard her say to me that she did not want me my whole life, I was a worthless, piece of shit rape child she never wanted in the first place. I told her that all of her children loved her very much, and she turned and looked at me and said we were all worthless and none of us meant "a shit" to her. I was becoming more and more angry by the minute. I could not believe that she and my dad had put us through all of this abuse for nothing. I told her to "tell me that we counted", and she looked at me and said, "none of you counted". My mom and dad could have let us go when they were arrested on child abuse charges. My mom used to dangle this in front of us, that she had "begged the courts not to take her children from her, they were all she had" and it turned out that she never wanted us in the first place, and the only reason she kept us around was so she wouldn't look like a bad mother. She wanted the courts to think she was a good mother who wanted her children. She beat and tortured, burned, punched, kicked and pounded me for nothing, allowed my brother to rape me for a year and got me no medical attention ever from the sexual assaults, from the beatings she gave me, from my head being caved in as I was thrown into walls and cabinets. I realised at this time that what I had known all along was TRUE, she really did hate my fucking guts, and I was really just a punching bag for her. What angered me was that none of my siblings meant anything to her. She was just using us. I left the house for the night and went to a hotel. I phoned my sister to tell her what had happened and in the middle of the night at the hotel room, I get a call from my dad that my mom had hurt herself and had to go to the hospital and I should meet them there. I went to the hospital and my mom was in a wheelchair, with a towel on her head. My sister and dad were standing by her, and my mom looked at me and said, "I'm going to tell them YOU did it!" and I looked at her and said to her, "Go AHEAD! I'll tell them about what you did to me!" and she replied, "they won't believe you, they'll believe me, I'm an old lady" with a smirk on her face. My dad told the doctors the truth. After I left the house, my mom got up from her bed and threw herself into her dresser and hurt herself. I realised at this time that my mom was truly my enemy, and began to love her less and less every waking moment. I could not believe the years I had spent trying to help my mother, adult years that I should have been getting my own life together, trying to help her, and trying to win her love and care. She used me, she used all of us, and we were nothing to her but what she could get out of us. We had been played, and betrayed, the ultimate betrayal. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After returning back home from working in the Grand Canyon, I found another job, and was getting ready to go back to cooking school to complete the program and graduate a Red Seal chef. I was working and saving money, and trying to help my mom around the house as much as possible. I was a loner, and had very little contact with people and no real friends to hang out with. I was not seeing anyone and not looking to go out on dates. I was still so shut down from the child sexual abuse and still hated my body and hated being a woman, and still trusted no one. My parents were still arguing and fighting but they were seniors now and my dad had stopped abusing my mom and trying to rape her. He left her alone, while my mom continued to throw things at my dad and curse him every chance she got. My mom was still getting her "digs" in with me when she could, and she enjoyed berating me and running me down, that had never changed. My brother Howard died in a homeless shelter in Calgary, Canada from a drug overdose. He died on his birthday, April 8th, alone, unwanted and unloved. Four months earlier he had phoned. I answered the phone and was surprised to hear my brother's voice. I had not spoken with him since he left for Canada when I was still a teen. He wanted to come home for Christmas and I set the phone down to see if my mom would pay for half of the plane ticket and I would pay for the other half. He was homeless most of the time his whole adult life in Canada and had a rough life, was a major pill popper and overdosed several times. My mom told me that she was not going to allow him to come home because she could not control him and he would just cause her trouble. I told my brother that we did not have the money for his plane ticket to come home. It broke my heart. I did not want to tell him that his mom did not want to speak to him, did not want him home. He was sad and told me to take care of myself and hung up. My brother Howard witnessed most of the beatings I took from my mom and had tried to intervene twice to save me from her. I loved my brother so much. He died alone, knowing that his mom and dad did not care if he was alive or dead. They abused him, allowed him to use drugs as a young boy, allowed him to drop out of school, continued to beat him and mistreat him. He had stepped in as a young boy to protect my mom from my dad and was beaten for it. He had gone out to the freeway as a young teen to stop my dad from killing himself. My parents, however, had done nothing but hurt him, abuse him, and set him up for a horrible adult life. He was dead. My brother Kevin had called, I answered the phone and he told me that Howard had died of an overdose in a shelter, and gave us the funeral date and information. I had to go tell my mom at her workplace, knowing how this would affect her. She was so upset and crying her eyes out, of course, because she could cry, we were not allowed to cry, only her. I was angry because we could all come up with the money for the plane tickets to go to his funeral, but my mom would not cough up the other half of a plane ticket for my brother to come home for Christmas, which I think would have saved my brother's life. I did not press the issue, because I was trying extremely hard not to be "my mother". My dad, mom, sister Kathi and myself went to Canada for his funeral. When we came home, the very first night back, my mom was up in the middle of the night getting a glass of water, had a stroke, fell and broke her hip. Her health was so bad at this time, she was 67 years old, and I knew this whole thing would take a toll on her health. WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS JOIN ME AND MY SPECIAL GUEST TOM SCALES, CO-FOUNDER OF THE INNOCENCE REVOLUTION. 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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you! |