This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. My brother Rob had committed suicide when I was 20 years old, he was 33 years old. I did not go to the funeral and I discuss in this video that I was continuing to do massive amounts of drugs, was partying all the time, and working full time. I still wasn't taking care of myself and was still living at home with my abuser parents. My parents were less physically violent toward each other at this time due to their age, but they continued to verbally batter each other and scream and shout at each other. My mom's health at this time was very bad and I tried to help my mom out as much as possible. My best friend Di is still living with her abusive boyfriend, and after a bad violent night out partying, I decided that I needed to get off the drugs. I was 21 years old and had been smoking pot since I was 12 years old, doing heavy drugs since I was 15 years old and I was tired of the violence and started to feel that my life would end up the same as my brother Rob, either I would commit suicide or I would end up a drug user in the gutter as an adult. I decided to tell my friends that I could no longer hang around with them because I would continue to use drugs and I broke off from them. I stayed home and watched television, travel logs, and began to become drug free. It took me a year to get off the drugs. I met a guy through a pen pal club, and we hit it off. We talked on the phone and we corresponded for about 6 months and he decided he was going to come down to New Mexico to spend time with me to see how our relationship would go. I was so excited about this relationship and decided I needed to get on the pill just in case we decided to have sexual relations. I went to the gynaecologist for my first check up in order to get on the pill. The lady gynaecologist during the exam was getting angry, becoming upset, walking away and then coming back, and I was thinking she was a horrible doctor and rude and I was angry at the way she was behaving toward me. After the exam was over and I got dressed, she brought my chart with the results of the exam and she began to talk to me. She said "So, you wrote here on your chart that you are a virgin?" and I said, "Yes, I'm a virgin, I've never had sex with anyone" and she said, "well, honey, I got news for you, you are no virgin. You can say that all you want to, you are an adult, 21 years old and if you want to say you are a virgin, that's up to you. We see the damage, the scar tissue, it's child sexual abuse, rape, and you have so much scar tissue that you will probably never be able to become pregnant. You can get on the pill, it's probably a good idea, but the chances of you becoming pregnant, it's just not going to happen. If you do become pregnant by some miracle, you will probably not be able to carry the baby without having reconstructive surgery. If you want to press charges, that is up to you, but we are reporting it as CSA." I was sitting there listening to this, upset, but not crying. I told her that it was my brother who was 21 years old, I was 8 and he raped me for a year. I told her I would possibly have pressed charges after hearing this from her, but my brother who did this to me had killed himself the year before when I was 20 years old, and he was 33. She just touched my shoulder, was practically crying. I told her that it was just my life, and I would be okay and deal with it. I left, got my pills, and went home to my abuser parents apartment that we had moved into after leaving the La Veta block behind at age 19. I went to my room and did not tell anyone about the gynaecology check up. I just closed my bedroom door, and the tears began to flow, silent tears. As the next few weeks rolled by I was very excited about this guy coming to see me. I felt in my heart that I loved him and I hadn't met him in person, but we became so close just talking on the phone. When he arrived, it was all I thought it would be.
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you!