This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. The first few months in Calgary were all about getting as many hours at work I possibly could in order to make my rent payments and bill payments. I enjoyed the job at the pub and was getting some great experience there. After work I would go home late at night, and sit on my sleeping bag on the floor that was on top of my clothes for extra padding. I had nothing in the apartment except what I brought in which was my duffel bag with my clothing, my alarm clock, my cassette player and music. It was an unfurnished apartment but I didn't care. I was happy to have a roof over my head that I could call my own. I began to grieve my mom's death at this time. Calgary is the city that both of my brothers committed suicide in. I walked by the place where my brother Rob hung himself in his apartment. I looked up at the building and all the windows, but I don't know which apartment he was in. I walked by the shelter where my brother Howard died of a drug overdose. This brings back some sad feeling I had for my brothers, but I just deal with it. I made a new friend working at the pub. She was a few years older than me and basically took me under her wing at work because she knew I was on my own in Calgary and did not know anyone. We hit it off and were beginning to enjoy our new friendship. But all the while, after work I would go home, plunk down on my sleeping bag on the floor, and grieve the loss of my mom. At this time, I had no idea the amount of emotional, psychological scarring my parents and brother had caused me. I realised that because my mom was gone, my inner child was screaming out in agony and grief because she knew that she was never going to get what she needed from her mother. She would never be held by her mother, she would never be loved by her mother. She would never hear the things she needed to hear from her mother. I realised that this small person was me from childhood, and I was grieving the loss of what I would never receive from my mother and there wasn't any other mother who could do this for me. I began to have flashbacks and nightmares about the abuse. I had very few nightmares about the abuse before my mom died. This was all a new nightmare. The abuse that I had tucked away neatly in the drawers was starting to boil, and an inner rage began to well up within me, and I knew that abuse would explode out of those drawers at some point. I just worked and continued to grieve and try to keep the abuse from spilling over the drawers during this year, and at the same time I began to realise that I truly loved Cecil and I thought about him the whole first year in Calgary.
I was a child, I spilled my cereal, you beat me, I cried
now that you are old and feeble, spilling your cereal
on the breakfast table, I will not treat you like that...
I was a child, put my feet over the arms of the chair,
you hit me, called me names, screaming in my face,
causing me fear and shame....
now that you are old and feeble, with your feet upon
the coffee table, I will not treat you like that.....
I was a child, who mommy and daddy could not love,
you hurt me, you beat me, threw me to the ground,
I cried out in pain, but you did not care, you left me
in a pile on the floor....gasping for air....
now that you are old and feeble, needing love and
support, I will not grab you and choke you by the
throat...I will not treat you like that.....
I was a child, you caused me to fear, for my own
life and for my brothers and sister so dear...
the nightmares you caused me were my day to day
reality, no where to turn, no hope in sight...day after
day subjected to your might, abused and confused..
now that you are old and feeble, your own fears
and doubts, afraid of the dark and the strange sounds
needing someone to rescue you from the reality of
growing old and confused....
I will not treat you like that......
Your seven children who you tortured and beat,
shoved into walls, fists to our bodies, your words hit
even harder then that, as they disfigured our hearts
and minds, and your disdain and hatred caused us all to
consider ending our lives...
and now that you are old and feeble, needing our help
to survive....we know what you did, although you don't
remember the pain that you caused or even consider..
as you complain that your children are not treating you
right...did you ever consider what we went through all
of our lives...the hell we endured at your hands
and now you cry out...and do not understand...
but we will not treat you like that......
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith June 2010
Please see the original link of the video below that was graciously read by John Harrison who I am forever thankful for!
This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. My mom had passed away, and I stayed for the funeral. My dad's behaviour was extremely bizarre at this time. He was acting like he had just lost the most precious thing in his life. He was running around, falling on the floor and acting like he just loved her so much, and that he had just lost his best friend. My sister Kathi and myself noticed this, but decided that he must be dealing with his wife's death the best he could. My dad took Kathi and me with him to the funeral home to pick out a casket and get things set up for her burial. I told him that our mother wanted to be cremated, and she had asked me to make sure that he did not change it to a burial because of his own beliefs. My dad became upset when I mentioned that to him, raised his voice and began to yell at me, becoming very upset. I told him not to be upset, that I was just telling him what she told me, and my dad began to shout at me and to become very upset. I began yelling back at him and cursing at him. He was too old to hit me now, and I was no longer that small girl who he could abuse. I was too old and too big. I decided to tell him exactly what I thought. My sister was telling us to calm down and relax and the funeral director came in and heard our family argument going on, and left the room embarrassed. I decided to calm down. I told my dad that he could try fooling people by putting on a $20,000 funeral for my mom, but that there were too many of us that knew the real reality of the way he had treated her. My dad finished preparing the funeral arrangements and we went to her funeral. There were so many people there, they were all so sad and crying for the loss of my mom. They would approach me and tell me how sorry they were that she passed away, and I would think to myself, "I'm sorry too, but at least the abuse is over now", but I would not tell them that. This funeral was hard for me because my mom was my abuser and I had a hard time trying to look sad about her death. I was actually relieved, she was at peace, which brought me some relief, and the fact that she would never be able to hurt me ever again brought me even more peace. After the funeral I visited with some friends and then went back to Canada. I did not go back to Tofino, and instead went to Calgary. I stayed with a friend of my brother's for 3 weeks, got a job right away at a busy pub, and saved my money to get an apartment. It was the first week of May, and for the last 5 months I had been under a lot of stress, I lost my baby in January, I left Cecil and ended our relationship, was working in Tofino, Vancouver Island, in British Columbia and then in April my mom died, and during this time had no real place to live. It had been a difficult period of time for me, but I was determined to make it. I got an apartment in Calgary, and as I got my keys and went inside and closed the door, I finally felt like I could relax and breath a bit, but at the same time, it was actually just the beginning of a new nightmare.
This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. Living with Cecil in Edmonton was a new experience for me. I had only been away from my abuser parents for 6 months and here I was, living with a guy I had met at work, I still had a soft cast on my wrist, and things were going good in our relationship. Cecil was scheduled to have surgery within a couple of months and I began looking for an office job, something I could do with my injured wrist. At the age of 29, just a few months from my 30th birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant. This was a huge surprise for me, because I was told that I would probably never be able to become pregnant or even carry a child. I went to the doctor to find out and sure enough, I was pregnant. I was very happy about being pregnant and it had always been a dream of mine to have children. I was nervous though because it would be my first and with the scar tissue and damage to my uterus, the doctors had told me to be prepared, just in case I could not carry the baby. I was hopeful that it would all be okay and began to enjoy having Cecil's and my baby in my womb and the feeling of being a mother for the first time flooded me with immense joy and inner happiness. Cecil was not overly happy about the situation. He had already raised two sons with his ex wife in England, and even though his relationship was estranged with them, he loved his sons very much. He was not overly enthusiastic about having children at this stage in his life, but he could see how happy I was about the situation, and was happy to be the father of this baby in my womb. We decided that we could handle anything that would come our way, including raising a child together. I turned 30 in December and by the first week of January I began to spot and was feeling quite sick. I had a feeling something was wrong and at this point I was 4 1/2 months into the pregnancy, mid-term. I began to bleed more and more and at this time Cecil had recovered from his surgery and was offered a contract job up north in the Yukon. It would be his first opportunity to work since the summer before and he felt he needed to take the job. I did not want him to go, because I was bleeding and might possibly lose the baby, I wanted Cecil to be with me. We did not know anyone in Edmonton and there was no one I could rely on for support there. Cecil took the job and left me to deal with being sick and aborting the baby. I called my doctor and she advised that if the bleeding became more serious, to get to the hospital. I did not go to the hospital and over the weekend, 2 days after Cecil went to work, I went into full labour and aborted the baby. I was so sick and so emotionally ill and did not cope at all. I just dealt with it at the apartment by myself. A few days later I went to my doctor and they did not have to do a DNC, as the baby had gone down the toilet. My heart was broken, I was angry about Cecil not being there for me, I was so devastated about losing the baby, and I was very much alone. I began to question my decision making processes, and wondered how I had even let myself get into the situation I was in. I phoned Cecil at the oil drilling camp in the Yukon and told him that he had 4 hours to get home to me or I was leaving him. Cecil pleaded with me to give him time to get home, and not to leave him. I gave him no choice, knowing that there was no possible way for him to get home to me within 4 hours. After we hung up, I immediately shut everything down, packed my few belongings, called my brother to tell him I needed to stay with him until I could get myself situated and within 4 hours, I was gone. I went to Tofino, Vancouver Island, BC, and worked there for a few weeks. I needed to collect myself, to heal from losing our baby, and try to get stabilised. While I was in Tofino, I phoned Cecil to tell him that our relationship was over and he was free to move on and to have a good life. Cecil was so hurt that I left him, he agreed with me. Another couple of weeks passed by and my dad called to tell me that my mom was very sick, in the hospital and was dying. I went down to New Mexico, and saw her for a few hours before she went into a coma. She was happy to see me, held my hand in hers and told me that she was sorry I had lost the baby. It was hard to know that she was probably dying and this time she would not be coming home from the hospital, but would be moving on to her eternal home. She said very few words, but kept repeating over and over, "I was just a horrible mother" and looking so sad and downtrodden. Irene, Kathi and myself, her three daughters tried to comfort her as best we could. I told her that all of her children loved her very much and she just kept repeating that she was such a horrible mother. My sister Irene suggested that Kathi and myself go to get some supper and let our mother rest, and when we came back an hour later my mom had slipped into a coma. She passed away a few days later. My sisters, me and my dad all went to say our last words and goodbyes to our mother who had passed on. I went to sit outside in the sunshine, and as I sat there, a strange calm came over me. Never again would my mother be able to hurt me. She would never ever be able to hurt me in any way, shape or form, the abuse from her was over, it was over, I thought to myself. She would never be able to hurt me again.
"I HATE YOU!!!" "I HATE YOU!!!" "YOU ROTTEN CUNT!!!", the words rolled around in my head, I winced as I remembered the reason why my face was stinging. I had nearly been knocked unconscious and opened my eyes to see my mom's feet walking across the kitchen. I could hear the sound of dishes being thrown into the sink, CRASH! BANG! My mother was opening the kitchen cabinet doors and slamming them with all her might. I winced, I was still lying on the kitchen floor on my side and did not want her to think about me, "maybe she will forget about me" my inner voice was crying in my head. "maybe she won't come over here and kick me or beat me some more" I was fighting back the tears because I knew if she saw me crying it would give her a really good reason to continue her rage and tyrannical abuse on me and my poor body. She continued her rant, screaming at the top of her lungs "I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!! I NEVER WANTED THIS GOD DAMN LIFE!! YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU STUPID ROTTEN NO GOOD PIECES OF SHIT!!!". She was in one of her bad moods again, violent, raging, screeching moods that could happen at any time, day or night. I was hoping I would not have to lay there much longer. I dared not move as I was afraid that she would see me down on the floor on the other side of the table and remind herself that she still had plenty to be mad at me for and decide that I had not had a good enough beating. My mother turned around to face me, looking at me with such hatred in her eyes, such absolute hatred and rage all mixed together with years of mental anguish and torment showing on her face and said to me harshly, "GET THAT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW!!" I knew what she was going to do to me, she had always done this to me, beat me, hurt me, practically kill me and then tell me to put a smile on my face. I found it hard to change the look of fear and complete confusion on my face. I was in pain, I was trembling and wincing and flinching with my back against the kitchen wall. I sat up and tried to put a smile on my face. My mind was racing, "mommy, why do you hurt me like this? I love you mommy" all rolling around in my brain. I used to tell her these things but the beatings and verbal assaults continued. I could not understand why she would treat me this way and hurt me so bad; so bad that it made me submissive to her power, her all mighty reign over me. Instead of becoming defiant, I knew I had to be submissive or she would kill me. "GOD DAMN YOU!! DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER THERE AND TAKE YOUR GOD DAMN HEAD OFF!! " "I WILL DO IT! BY GOD IT'S MY RIGHT!! I BORE YOU!! YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT RAPE CHILD!! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!! A RAPE CHILD!! I NEVER WANTED YOU ANY WAY YOU GOD DAMN INGRATE!!" I could see her feet starting to quickly move around the table and she towered over me. "No mommy!! Don't!! No" …I was as far back against the wall as I could get, my body conforming to it, I had my legs curled up to my body. She was going to kill me this time. She did exactly what I knew she would, grabbed a belt that was hanging on a nail with 3 other belts on the kitchen wall, pulled it up and around her wrist and hand and with her other hand grabbed my arm and yanked me forward onto my stomach. "Pleaaaaaaaaassseeee mommy!! Pleaaaaaaaaaaaassseeee!! Don't hit me..I'm sorry!!" I begged her, I pleaded with her, I had no idea what mercy was, but I was begging her for mercy. She was not listening, and was intent on hurting me that day. Intent on making me pay!! Someone had to PAY!! The belt whipped through the air down onto my back and the back of my legs. She gave me a good whipping, cursing me all the while, sputtering and spitting as she went. I took my beating as usual, like a good sport. No tears would fall, no screams would escape my throat. I was 5 years old had been trained since birth to take what I had coming to me, and to take it with silence and a stone face. It is after all, what I deserved. I was a bad kid. I needed to be whipped. I needed to be slapped. I needed to be "taught" a lesson. I was always asking for it, I was told. I never once remember asking for a beating, but that is what they told me, so it must have been true.
Through the years my mother continued the beatings, the tyrannical rants, the abuse and always threw in that "you were asking for it", even after I confronted her about not stopping my brother from sexually abusing me at 8 years old, she just snarled and said, "you were just asking for it". I never asked for any of the abuse my family dished out on me, however, I did ask for love, for care, for compassion, for concern, for pity, for mercy, for love, which I never received. I guess a person doesn't always get what they ask for.
WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS
WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS
This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After my mom had completely destroyed my heart, telling me that she never wanted any of us, we did not count, and that we did not matter to her, I decided I had to move far, far away. I decided to move to Canada, because I had dual citizenship and I proceeded to get all my paperwork done, documentation complete and packed my few belongings in storage. I was ready to make my final cut, and move on and begin my life as an adult for the first time. I told my mom and dad I was moving to Canada and my mom was attempting to con me into staying. She could not use the old ploy of crying and pleading with me to stay and help keep my dad from raping her, because my dad was not attempting to rape her anymore. The only thing she could think of was to try and guilt me into staying in order to help her stay alive. She told me several times during the four months that passed while I was preparing to move that if I left, she would die because my dad would not help her get what she needed to stay alive. I did not fall for it. She did not want me to stay in order that we might build our relationship or learn to love each other and get along, she wanted me to stay so she could continue to use me. I told her I had to go. The day I was leaving for the airport, my mom was sitting at the kitchen table, not looking at me while I talked to her. I told her that I loved her, that I had always loved her. I told her that it was my turn now to get my life going and that I had to go. I kissed my mom on the top of her head because she would not look at me. I left, and arrived at the airport, boarded the plane, sat down and put my seat belt on, looked out the window, and breathed a heavy sigh. It had all been too much. All of the abuse, the manipulation, the con games, the torture of my mind and body had all been too much. I was tired, exhausted and emotionally drained. I went to Canada to stay with my brother and his wife in Alberta. I found a job within three weeks and was excited about getting my own life started for the first time at the age of 29 years old. Within a few weeks of working as a cook's helper on a railway tie maintenance crew train, I began to become attracted to the lead cook. He was handsome, friendly, very polite and very mature. We had been getting along so well at work and I knew he liked me too. We began seeing each other and after another few weeks rolled by, we were a "unit" and officially together. I felt that I could trust him, and because I had been sexually abused as a child, had difficulty allowing him to get close, but I was so needing to be held, to be loved, to be a woman. The CSA/incest that I suffered as a child caused me to break down and cry and become upset when Cecil would try to get close, and I had to fill him in a bit about the abuse because he knew I had been hurt by someone. He held me, consoled me, and treated me with kindness, love, care and was so gentle with me and my feelings. It was so good to have him in my life and we were really enjoying our time together. Within a month after we started seeing each other, we both were injured while working and had to get off the train to go to Edmonton for treatment. Cecil was going to have to stay in Edmonton and have surgery, and my wrist was in a soft cast from tendinitis and would be for about 3 months. Cecil wasn't sure if we should try and stay together in Edmonton or just go our separate ways. I wasn't sure either but we decided to split the cost of a motel near the hospital for one month to see how our relationship went. We really enjoyed each other's company so much. He was lonely before he met me, and I was so in need of someone to love me and just hold me and want to spend time with me. We knew that we cared about each other but were not sure if it was a lifetime relationship. The first week in the motel, I had a nightmare about my mom abusing me and woke up crying, shaking, and yelling out loud that my mom abused me. Cecil woke up and just held me, consoled me and listened to me as I told him about some of the abuse she inflicted on me. He had already seen some of the scars on my body, but he did not know the extent of the damage done. I really needed someone to hold me close, to comfort me, to not let me go. After our month at the motel was up, we decided to move into a furnished apartment together and give our relationship more time to develop. This was all new to me, but I was willing to give it a try.
WHY I CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT AGAINST CHILD ABUSE AND PROMOTE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION AWARENESS
This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After my brother Howard's funeral, my mom's health went downhill. She had fallen and had a stroke and broke her hip and had to have hip replacement surgery. My mom was so miserable and depressed at this point that she reverted back to her old "self" and began to curse at me and my dad. She sat at the kitchen table, depressed, trying to recover from her surgery, she would not do her exercises and my dad and I were doing everything we could to help her out and nothing was good enough. Because my mom was hurting, she was going to make sure that we were hurting too. My dad tried to help her out at this time, and she picked fights with him every chance she got. One night, after dinner, my dad was doing the dishes and my mother began screaming at my dad and starting a fight with him. My mom began throwing things at my dad, cursing him. I was in the living room listening to them fight again, and I could not believe that they were still continuing on in their insane manic behaviour towards each other, and I got angry. I went to the kitchen and screamed at them, "LISTEN TO YOURSELVES, WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELVES?!! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOUR CHILDREN!!" I began to name all of my siblings from my sister Irene, Kevin, Rob, Ches, Howard, Kathi down to me. I wanted them to see the damage they had done to us through our lives and take responsibility for it, own up to it. I was so tired of listening to my mom screaming at my dad, and my dad cursing at my mom. I was so tired of listening to their sick and twisted sexual banter between them. I started throwing my own things around the living room and breaking my things to make a point. My dad came into the living room to see if he could get me to calm down. I told him to leave the living room because I did not want to hurt him, like he hurt me. He left the room. I continued to trash the living room, while my mom sat in the kitchen wailing and balling and crying her eyes out. I finished breaking my stuff and went to my room to calm down. My mom went to her room and laid down and sobbed. I gave her some time to calm down and went into see if she was okay. My mom said to me that she hated her life and should have just killed herself years before and I had heard this from the time I was cognitive, at the age of 4. I wanted to console my mom but at the same time I wanted her to own up to whether or not she truly loved her children and wanted us. I told my mom that there had to be something in this life that made it worthwhile; that her children should count for something. My mom rolled over and looked at me and said she never wanted any of us. I had heard her say to me that she did not want me my whole life, I was a worthless, piece of shit rape child she never wanted in the first place. I told her that all of her children loved her very much, and she turned and looked at me and said we were all worthless and none of us meant "a shit" to her. I was becoming more and more angry by the minute. I could not believe that she and my dad had put us through all of this abuse for nothing. I told her to "tell me that we counted", and she looked at me and said, "none of you counted". My mom and dad could have let us go when they were arrested on child abuse charges. My mom used to dangle this in front of us, that she had "begged the courts not to take her children from her, they were all she had" and it turned out that she never wanted us in the first place, and the only reason she kept us around was so she wouldn't look like a bad mother. She wanted the courts to think she was a good mother who wanted her children. She beat and tortured, burned, punched, kicked and pounded me for nothing, allowed my brother to rape me for a year and got me no medical attention ever from the sexual assaults, from the beatings she gave me, from my head being caved in as I was thrown into walls and cabinets. I realised at this time that what I had known all along was TRUE, she really did hate my fucking guts, and I was really just a punching bag for her. What angered me was that none of my siblings meant anything to her. She was just using us. I left the house for the night and went to a hotel. I phoned my sister to tell her what had happened and in the middle of the night at the hotel room, I get a call from my dad that my mom had hurt herself and had to go to the hospital and I should meet them there. I went to the hospital and my mom was in a wheelchair, with a towel on her head. My sister and dad were standing by her, and my mom looked at me and said, "I'm going to tell them YOU did it!" and I looked at her and said to her, "Go AHEAD! I'll tell them about what you did to me!" and she replied, "they won't believe you, they'll believe me, I'm an old lady" with a smirk on her face. My dad told the doctors the truth. After I left the house, my mom got up from her bed and threw herself into her dresser and hurt herself. I realised at this time that my mom was truly my enemy, and began to love her less and less every waking moment. I could not believe the years I had spent trying to help my mother, adult years that I should have been getting my own life together, trying to help her, and trying to win her love and care. She used me, she used all of us, and we were nothing to her but what she could get out of us. We had been played, and betrayed, the ultimate betrayal.
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you!