This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. After my brother Howard's funeral, my mom's health went downhill. She had fallen and had a stroke and broke her hip and had to have hip replacement surgery. My mom was so miserable and depressed at this point that she reverted back to her old "self" and began to curse at me and my dad. She sat at the kitchen table, depressed, trying to recover from her surgery, she would not do her exercises and my dad and I were doing everything we could to help her out and nothing was good enough. Because my mom was hurting, she was going to make sure that we were hurting too. My dad tried to help her out at this time, and she picked fights with him every chance she got. One night, after dinner, my dad was doing the dishes and my mother began screaming at my dad and starting a fight with him. My mom began throwing things at my dad, cursing him. I was in the living room listening to them fight again, and I could not believe that they were still continuing on in their insane manic behaviour towards each other, and I got angry. I went to the kitchen and screamed at them, "LISTEN TO YOURSELVES, WOULD YOU JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELVES?!! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOUR CHILDREN!!" I began to name all of my siblings from my sister Irene, Kevin, Rob, Ches, Howard, Kathi down to me. I wanted them to see the damage they had done to us through our lives and take responsibility for it, own up to it. I was so tired of listening to my mom screaming at my dad, and my dad cursing at my mom. I was so tired of listening to their sick and twisted sexual banter between them. I started throwing my own things around the living room and breaking my things to make a point. My dad came into the living room to see if he could get me to calm down. I told him to leave the living room because I did not want to hurt him, like he hurt me. He left the room. I continued to trash the living room, while my mom sat in the kitchen wailing and balling and crying her eyes out. I finished breaking my stuff and went to my room to calm down. My mom went to her room and laid down and sobbed. I gave her some time to calm down and went into see if she was okay. My mom said to me that she hated her life and should have just killed herself years before and I had heard this from the time I was cognitive, at the age of 4. I wanted to console my mom but at the same time I wanted her to own up to whether or not she truly loved her children and wanted us. I told my mom that there had to be something in this life that made it worthwhile; that her children should count for something. My mom rolled over and looked at me and said she never wanted any of us. I had heard her say to me that she did not want me my whole life, I was a worthless, piece of shit rape child she never wanted in the first place. I told her that all of her children loved her very much, and she turned and looked at me and said we were all worthless and none of us meant "a shit" to her. I was becoming more and more angry by the minute. I could not believe that she and my dad had put us through all of this abuse for nothing. I told her to "tell me that we counted", and she looked at me and said, "none of you counted". My mom and dad could have let us go when they were arrested on child abuse charges. My mom used to dangle this in front of us, that she had "begged the courts not to take her children from her, they were all she had" and it turned out that she never wanted us in the first place, and the only reason she kept us around was so she wouldn't look like a bad mother. She wanted the courts to think she was a good mother who wanted her children. She beat and tortured, burned, punched, kicked and pounded me for nothing, allowed my brother to rape me for a year and got me no medical attention ever from the sexual assaults, from the beatings she gave me, from my head being caved in as I was thrown into walls and cabinets. I realised at this time that what I had known all along was TRUE, she really did hate my fucking guts, and I was really just a punching bag for her. What angered me was that none of my siblings meant anything to her. She was just using us. I left the house for the night and went to a hotel. I phoned my sister to tell her what had happened and in the middle of the night at the hotel room, I get a call from my dad that my mom had hurt herself and had to go to the hospital and I should meet them there. I went to the hospital and my mom was in a wheelchair, with a towel on her head. My sister and dad were standing by her, and my mom looked at me and said, "I'm going to tell them YOU did it!" and I looked at her and said to her, "Go AHEAD! I'll tell them about what you did to me!" and she replied, "they won't believe you, they'll believe me, I'm an old lady" with a smirk on her face. My dad told the doctors the truth. After I left the house, my mom got up from her bed and threw herself into her dresser and hurt herself. I realised at this time that my mom was truly my enemy, and began to love her less and less every waking moment. I could not believe the years I had spent trying to help my mother, adult years that I should have been getting my own life together, trying to help her, and trying to win her love and care. She used me, she used all of us, and we were nothing to her but what she could get out of us. We had been played, and betrayed, the ultimate betrayal.
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