I was a child, I spilled my cereal, you beat me, I cried now that you are old and feeble, spilling your cereal on the breakfast table, I will not treat you like that... I was a child, put my feet over the arms of the chair, you hit me, called me names, screaming in my face, causing me fear and shame.... now that you are old and feeble, with your feet upon the coffee table, I will not treat you like that..... I was a child, who mommy and daddy could not love, you hurt me, you beat me, threw me to the ground, I cried out in pain, but you did not care, you left me in a pile on the floor....gasping for air.... now that you are old and feeble, needing love and support, I will not grab you and choke you by the throat...I will not treat you like that..... I was a child, you caused me to fear, for my own life and for my brothers and sister so dear... the nightmares you caused me were my day to day reality, no where to turn, no hope in sight...day after day subjected to your might, abused and confused.. now that you are old and feeble, your own fears and doubts, afraid of the dark and the strange sounds needing someone to rescue you from the reality of growing old and confused.... I will not treat you like that...... Your seven children who you tortured and beat, shoved into walls, fists to our bodies, your words hit even harder then that, as they disfigured our hearts and minds, and your disdain and hatred caused us all to consider ending our lives... and now that you are old and feeble, needing our help to survive....we know what you did, although you don't remember the pain that you caused or even consider.. as you complain that your children are not treating you right...did you ever consider what we went through all of our lives...the hell we endured at your hands and now you cry out...and do not understand... but we will not treat you like that...... Copyright Laurie Ann Smith June 2010 Please see the original link of the video below that was graciously read by John Harrison who I am forever thankful for! I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. My mom had passed away, and I stayed for the funeral. My dad's behaviour was extremely bizarre at this time. He was acting like he had just lost the most precious thing in his life. He was running around, falling on the floor and acting like he just loved her so much, and that he had just lost his best friend. My sister Kathi and myself noticed this, but decided that he must be dealing with his wife's death the best he could. My dad took Kathi and me with him to the funeral home to pick out a casket and get things set up for her burial. I told him that our mother wanted to be cremated, and she had asked me to make sure that he did not change it to a burial because of his own beliefs. My dad became upset when I mentioned that to him, raised his voice and began to yell at me, becoming very upset. I told him not to be upset, that I was just telling him what she told me, and my dad began to shout at me and to become very upset. I began yelling back at him and cursing at him. He was too old to hit me now, and I was no longer that small girl who he could abuse. I was too old and too big. I decided to tell him exactly what I thought. My sister was telling us to calm down and relax and the funeral director came in and heard our family argument going on, and left the room embarrassed. I decided to calm down. I told my dad that he could try fooling people by putting on a $20,000 funeral for my mom, but that there were too many of us that knew the real reality of the way he had treated her. My dad finished preparing the funeral arrangements and we went to her funeral. There were so many people there, they were all so sad and crying for the loss of my mom. They would approach me and tell me how sorry they were that she passed away, and I would think to myself, "I'm sorry too, but at least the abuse is over now", but I would not tell them that. This funeral was hard for me because my mom was my abuser and I had a hard time trying to look sad about her death. I was actually relieved, she was at peace, which brought me some relief, and the fact that she would never be able to hurt me ever again brought me even more peace. After the funeral I visited with some friends and then went back to Canada. I did not go back to Tofino, and instead went to Calgary. I stayed with a friend of my brother's for 3 weeks, got a job right away at a busy pub, and saved my money to get an apartment. It was the first week of May, and for the last 5 months I had been under a lot of stress, I lost my baby in January, I left Cecil and ended our relationship, was working in Tofino, Vancouver Island, in British Columbia and then in April my mom died, and during this time had no real place to live. It had been a difficult period of time for me, but I was determined to make it. I got an apartment in Calgary, and as I got my keys and went inside and closed the door, I finally felt like I could relax and breath a bit, but at the same time, it was actually just the beginning of a new nightmare. I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. This video is part of the video series Born in Hell. This video contains graphic and explicit material. Please listen at your own discretion. If the topics of abuse of any kind, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, or violence bother you, please do not watch this video. Living with Cecil in Edmonton was a new experience for me. I had only been away from my abuser parents for 6 months and here I was, living with a guy I had met at work, I still had a soft cast on my wrist, and things were going good in our relationship. Cecil was scheduled to have surgery within a couple of months and I began looking for an office job, something I could do with my injured wrist. At the age of 29, just a few months from my 30th birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant. This was a huge surprise for me, because I was told that I would probably never be able to become pregnant or even carry a child. I went to the doctor to find out and sure enough, I was pregnant. I was very happy about being pregnant and it had always been a dream of mine to have children. I was nervous though because it would be my first and with the scar tissue and damage to my uterus, the doctors had told me to be prepared, just in case I could not carry the baby. I was hopeful that it would all be okay and began to enjoy having Cecil's and my baby in my womb and the feeling of being a mother for the first time flooded me with immense joy and inner happiness. Cecil was not overly happy about the situation. He had already raised two sons with his ex wife in England, and even though his relationship was estranged with them, he loved his sons very much. He was not overly enthusiastic about having children at this stage in his life, but he could see how happy I was about the situation, and was happy to be the father of this baby in my womb. We decided that we could handle anything that would come our way, including raising a child together. I turned 30 in December and by the first week of January I began to spot and was feeling quite sick. I had a feeling something was wrong and at this point I was 4 1/2 months into the pregnancy, mid-term. I began to bleed more and more and at this time Cecil had recovered from his surgery and was offered a contract job up north in the Yukon. It would be his first opportunity to work since the summer before and he felt he needed to take the job. I did not want him to go, because I was bleeding and might possibly lose the baby, I wanted Cecil to be with me. We did not know anyone in Edmonton and there was no one I could rely on for support there. Cecil took the job and left me to deal with being sick and aborting the baby. I called my doctor and she advised that if the bleeding became more serious, to get to the hospital. I did not go to the hospital and over the weekend, 2 days after Cecil went to work, I went into full labour and aborted the baby. I was so sick and so emotionally ill and did not cope at all. I just dealt with it at the apartment by myself. A few days later I went to my doctor and they did not have to do a DNC, as the baby had gone down the toilet. My heart was broken, I was angry about Cecil not being there for me, I was so devastated about losing the baby, and I was very much alone. I began to question my decision making processes, and wondered how I had even let myself get into the situation I was in. I phoned Cecil at the oil drilling camp in the Yukon and told him that he had 4 hours to get home to me or I was leaving him. Cecil pleaded with me to give him time to get home, and not to leave him. I gave him no choice, knowing that there was no possible way for him to get home to me within 4 hours. After we hung up, I immediately shut everything down, packed my few belongings, called my brother to tell him I needed to stay with him until I could get myself situated and within 4 hours, I was gone. I went to Tofino, Vancouver Island, BC, and worked there for a few weeks. I needed to collect myself, to heal from losing our baby, and try to get stabilised. While I was in Tofino, I phoned Cecil to tell him that our relationship was over and he was free to move on and to have a good life. Cecil was so hurt that I left him, he agreed with me. Another couple of weeks passed by and my dad called to tell me that my mom was very sick, in the hospital and was dying. I went down to New Mexico, and saw her for a few hours before she went into a coma. She was happy to see me, held my hand in hers and told me that she was sorry I had lost the baby. It was hard to know that she was probably dying and this time she would not be coming home from the hospital, but would be moving on to her eternal home. She said very few words, but kept repeating over and over, "I was just a horrible mother" and looking so sad and downtrodden. Irene, Kathi and myself, her three daughters tried to comfort her as best we could. I told her that all of her children loved her very much and she just kept repeating that she was such a horrible mother. My sister Irene suggested that Kathi and myself go to get some supper and let our mother rest, and when we came back an hour later my mom had slipped into a coma. She passed away a few days later. My sisters, me and my dad all went to say our last words and goodbyes to our mother who had passed on. I went to sit outside in the sunshine, and as I sat there, a strange calm came over me. Never again would my mother be able to hurt me. She would never ever be able to hurt me in any way, shape or form, the abuse from her was over, it was over, I thought to myself. She would never be able to hurt me again. I discussed my healing journey and the process that I worked through in order to change the way I feel about life, about myself, about the abuse I suffered as a child, about my abusers. I discussed coping mechanisms and materials I used in my healing journey. All of our needs are different, and what works for me will probably not work for every survivor of abuse. I would say the one important factor is reaching out for help, look for trustworthy help, and then get help. Do not allow your past to destroy you, do not suffer in silence, alone. We did not deserve the abuse we suffered, and we do deserve to live a life of dignity, respect, care, concern, compassion, empathy and healthy living styles. Please do not ever give up, keep that hope alive for a better day each and every day. |
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I want to thank everyone for tuning in and supporting my work through the years! As always I continue to place a warning on my shows dealing with Child Abuse Prevention and Adult Survivor Issues, please LISTEN AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE AND OR SENSITIVE TO THE TOPIC AND ISSUES SURROUNDING CHILD ABUSE OF ANY TYPE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND ANY RELATED TOPICS TO VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN CHOICES. MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. THANK YOU! Human rights advocate, child rights advocate! Promoter of human rights for men, women, and children. I am not a professional counselor or a professional legal adviser and I have no professional certificates in these fields. This is not a professional show. The information and resources on these shows is from the web, and the accuracy is only as accurate as the originator's material was. Please make the right decision for yourself and listen at your own discretion. Minors and under age children must have parental/adult consent to listen to my shows in order that they stay protected at all times. Please have an adult listen to the material first so they can help you with the decision as to whether you should be listening to my shows or not depending on age appropriateness. Child Safety and Protection is my first priority. Thank you! |