BOUND AND GAGGED
Scratching
Clawing
Pushing
Punching
Darkness
Sobbing
Choking
Blackness
gasping
shaking
bound
gagged
hands
fingers
head
mouth
body
where they
should not
be
overpowering
me
drowning
swallowed
into darkness
8 years old
why is this happening to me???
13 years later
gynaecologist tells me
you're no virgin honey
innocence stolen from me
cannot
let
anyone
touch
me
bound
gagged
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith 2012
Clawing
Pushing
Punching
Darkness
Sobbing
Choking
Blackness
gasping
shaking
bound
gagged
hands
fingers
head
mouth
body
where they
should not
be
overpowering
me
drowning
swallowed
into darkness
8 years old
why is this happening to me???
13 years later
gynaecologist tells me
you're no virgin honey
innocence stolen from me
cannot
let
anyone
touch
me
bound
gagged
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith 2012
Another Summer Day
Another Summer Day
By Laurie Ann Smith
Hiding on the corner
Hoping you won't see me
Cause I got no where to run
Got no where to turn
I stay there for a long time
Sun begins to fade
Heart's still pumping big-time
Hands are cold and sweaty
And I am still so afraid...
Of you, and what you're going to do
To me...when I get home
Should I run or should I stay?
I'm down on my knees but I don't pray
Slowly I get up and cross the road
Skies are dark now, I guess I'll go home
Tears start to come but I don't let them fall
My legs get weak as I approach the front door
Slowly go inside and take whatever is in store
For me...
Just another summer day
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith September 06, 2018
By Laurie Ann Smith
Hiding on the corner
Hoping you won't see me
Cause I got no where to run
Got no where to turn
I stay there for a long time
Sun begins to fade
Heart's still pumping big-time
Hands are cold and sweaty
And I am still so afraid...
Of you, and what you're going to do
To me...when I get home
Should I run or should I stay?
I'm down on my knees but I don't pray
Slowly I get up and cross the road
Skies are dark now, I guess I'll go home
Tears start to come but I don't let them fall
My legs get weak as I approach the front door
Slowly go inside and take whatever is in store
For me...
Just another summer day
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith September 06, 2018
RAPE CHILD RAPED
She wakes up to the same old tiring day,
Mommy doesn't want her and pushes her away,
Yells and hits her oh so hard
Tells her she is a rape child that no one could love
Night time comes and it starts again, the fighting,
The shouting, the harm is done
Why is daddy hurting mommy, I don't understand
Why does he hit her and punch her with his hand?
Morning comes and it's not a surprise,
To see mommy with bruises and tears in her eyes,
Mommy I love you, please don't cry
"Get away from me, I hate you, you rape child!" she replies
Brother is sick and stays in his room
Days pass to years as he stews and he broods
An adult man with a warped mind
thinks he should use my body and devises a plan
I'll bind her and gag her so she cannot scream and fight,
As she did when I molested her the other night,
She won't squirm or kick or try to get away
And this is my plan and I will have my way
Night time comes and I am awaken
To my hands tied and mouth gagged and my body shaking
No brother! I screamed in my head as he raped me
and sodomised me and left me dead
I died that night, as I lay on my bed,
bleeding and torn and so lost and forlorn
Mommy doesn't love me, she always reminds me
That I was born out of rape, and she wished I was dead
Brother has raped me and hurt me so bad
How can I live another day in this place?
She wakes up to the same old tiring day,
Mommy doesn't want her and pushes her away,
Yells and hits her oh so hard
Tells her she is a rape child that no one could love
Written by Laurie Ann Smith copyright 2012
Mommy doesn't want her and pushes her away,
Yells and hits her oh so hard
Tells her she is a rape child that no one could love
Night time comes and it starts again, the fighting,
The shouting, the harm is done
Why is daddy hurting mommy, I don't understand
Why does he hit her and punch her with his hand?
Morning comes and it's not a surprise,
To see mommy with bruises and tears in her eyes,
Mommy I love you, please don't cry
"Get away from me, I hate you, you rape child!" she replies
Brother is sick and stays in his room
Days pass to years as he stews and he broods
An adult man with a warped mind
thinks he should use my body and devises a plan
I'll bind her and gag her so she cannot scream and fight,
As she did when I molested her the other night,
She won't squirm or kick or try to get away
And this is my plan and I will have my way
Night time comes and I am awaken
To my hands tied and mouth gagged and my body shaking
No brother! I screamed in my head as he raped me
and sodomised me and left me dead
I died that night, as I lay on my bed,
bleeding and torn and so lost and forlorn
Mommy doesn't love me, she always reminds me
That I was born out of rape, and she wished I was dead
Brother has raped me and hurt me so bad
How can I live another day in this place?
She wakes up to the same old tiring day,
Mommy doesn't want her and pushes her away,
Yells and hits her oh so hard
Tells her she is a rape child that no one could love
Written by Laurie Ann Smith copyright 2012
Oh Mommy, Stop Hurting Me
Written by Laurie Ann Smith
July 17, 2011
Oh mommy, stop hurting me
I promise I'll be good
How come you don't hear me?
When I say I am sorry?
Oh mommy, don't beat me
again with that belt
Please don't shout those ugly names
for I am not a whore, a slut, a cunt,
I am not a bitch, or a rotten kid
I love you mommy, and I always did
Oh mommy, please don't punch me
with your fists
Look at how my nose bleeds mommy,
can you help me with this?
Please don't bash me in the head and
leave me on the floor in a pool of blood
Saying you wished I was dead
Oh mommy, please stop brother from
hurting me.
I'm in pain from what he is doing to me
Please don't tell me, it's my problem
and you do not care
He's hurting me over and over and I'm
in such pain
Oh mommy, please tell me you love me
please show me you care
Wrap your arms around me and
hold me tight, please kiss me and
tell me you will make it alright
Oh mommy, are you there?
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith 2012
July 17, 2011
Oh mommy, stop hurting me
I promise I'll be good
How come you don't hear me?
When I say I am sorry?
Oh mommy, don't beat me
again with that belt
Please don't shout those ugly names
for I am not a whore, a slut, a cunt,
I am not a bitch, or a rotten kid
I love you mommy, and I always did
Oh mommy, please don't punch me
with your fists
Look at how my nose bleeds mommy,
can you help me with this?
Please don't bash me in the head and
leave me on the floor in a pool of blood
Saying you wished I was dead
Oh mommy, please stop brother from
hurting me.
I'm in pain from what he is doing to me
Please don't tell me, it's my problem
and you do not care
He's hurting me over and over and I'm
in such pain
Oh mommy, please tell me you love me
please show me you care
Wrap your arms around me and
hold me tight, please kiss me and
tell me you will make it alright
Oh mommy, are you there?
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith 2012
Cannot Be Taken Back
A short poem to my abusers
All the harsh words you screamed in my face
All the cruel names you called me cannot be erased
They mark my memories like a crack in wall
You can try to repair it, but it's not as it was, just patched up is all
All the beatings, the kickings, the burnings, the shovings
Of my body when I was so small
Cannot be taken back, the damage is done
The wounds turn to scars, the bones mend with time
But the pain is still there and those old fears remain
You said you were sorry but it wasn't your fault
Blaming everything and everyone but yourself
I look back in the mirrors of my memories and see
That it was you who were responsible for the pain and the blood
You send sneaky reminders that I should love you and forgive
All that you did when I was a little kid
It was just the times, the way it was back then
And I sit and cry not knowing where to begin
To tell you just how seriously messed up you were
And how seriously you messed up my childhood
You tore my body, my mind and my soul
Ripping to pieces my entire whole
My body continued to live, but my spirit was dead
I am a prisoner of myself living in my head
You cannot take back the horrors you gave me
You cannot make up for the damage to my heart
You cannot undo the evil acts committed
You cannot make it better, it will not go away
I choose to forgive you, and not for you at all
But for myself so I can have an ounce of peace
I choose to never forget what you put me through
In order that my life remains reality and not a lie
The lie that you would prefer me to live until you die
I will remember all the pain and suffering
I will remember all the torture and the rage
I will remember the lack of love and mercy
I will remember and try to not be like you
Laurie Ann Smith
Copyright 2012
All the harsh words you screamed in my face
All the cruel names you called me cannot be erased
They mark my memories like a crack in wall
You can try to repair it, but it's not as it was, just patched up is all
All the beatings, the kickings, the burnings, the shovings
Of my body when I was so small
Cannot be taken back, the damage is done
The wounds turn to scars, the bones mend with time
But the pain is still there and those old fears remain
You said you were sorry but it wasn't your fault
Blaming everything and everyone but yourself
I look back in the mirrors of my memories and see
That it was you who were responsible for the pain and the blood
You send sneaky reminders that I should love you and forgive
All that you did when I was a little kid
It was just the times, the way it was back then
And I sit and cry not knowing where to begin
To tell you just how seriously messed up you were
And how seriously you messed up my childhood
You tore my body, my mind and my soul
Ripping to pieces my entire whole
My body continued to live, but my spirit was dead
I am a prisoner of myself living in my head
You cannot take back the horrors you gave me
You cannot make up for the damage to my heart
You cannot undo the evil acts committed
You cannot make it better, it will not go away
I choose to forgive you, and not for you at all
But for myself so I can have an ounce of peace
I choose to never forget what you put me through
In order that my life remains reality and not a lie
The lie that you would prefer me to live until you die
I will remember all the pain and suffering
I will remember all the torture and the rage
I will remember the lack of love and mercy
I will remember and try to not be like you
Laurie Ann Smith
Copyright 2012
Child of Pain
Oh my child, my child of pain
Let me hold you if you trust me
I promise I won't leave you again
Left alone in the dark these many years
Bound and Gagged in so much pain
those endless tears you cried all alone
the door was shut, you were left on your own
The torture and torment as he raped you
37 years, while I did not want to think about you
I had to split, my child of pain as I knew
I could not live with that kind of pain
Your wounded body, raped and torn
Your wounded soul, Your life he stole
My wounded body, did finally heal
No children would I have from the ordeal
My wounded mind, raped everyday
As I knew the truth about my child of pain
Let me untie you, set you free
I will sit here on the bed and keep you company
One day we will truly heal, learn to love again
Let me help you precious girl
We can hold each other
Soothe away the pain
Together we will take back our body
We will take back our virginity
We will take back our power
He cannot hurt us anymore
We have purged and cleansed ourselves
From his evil deeds
We are free my precious to love ourselves
No longer do we live in shame
No longer will we have to endure this pain
It is over my precious child
I promise I will never leave you again
Laurie Ann Smith
Copyright 2011
Let me hold you if you trust me
I promise I won't leave you again
Left alone in the dark these many years
Bound and Gagged in so much pain
those endless tears you cried all alone
the door was shut, you were left on your own
The torture and torment as he raped you
37 years, while I did not want to think about you
I had to split, my child of pain as I knew
I could not live with that kind of pain
Your wounded body, raped and torn
Your wounded soul, Your life he stole
My wounded body, did finally heal
No children would I have from the ordeal
My wounded mind, raped everyday
As I knew the truth about my child of pain
Let me untie you, set you free
I will sit here on the bed and keep you company
One day we will truly heal, learn to love again
Let me help you precious girl
We can hold each other
Soothe away the pain
Together we will take back our body
We will take back our virginity
We will take back our power
He cannot hurt us anymore
We have purged and cleansed ourselves
From his evil deeds
We are free my precious to love ourselves
No longer do we live in shame
No longer will we have to endure this pain
It is over my precious child
I promise I will never leave you again
Laurie Ann Smith
Copyright 2011
The Ultimate Betrayal
Mother,
you never said you loved me you swore you should have killed me you hurt me most deeply ripping and tearing my body my heart and my soul breaking my spirit, murder most foul you made me wash away the evidence of those bloodstained walls, wipe the blood off the floors, the walls, the doors you threw my favorite bloodstained outfits out with the trash year after year it became my routine to suffer those beatings, to beg at your feet "you will take it", you screamed as I lay on the floor not daring to move as I could take no more made to beg at your feet for mercy crying and sobbing as you looked away with disdain hatred and cursing me enjoying my pain years rolled by and just more of the same you justified this abuse saying that it was your right to hurt me, to beat me, to kill me outright you explained that it was just what I needed as I was a rape child, a bad kid and got what I deserved in the end you betrayed me as you said that you never loved me never wanted me or cared I did not matter to you and you did not care if I was dead the same look of hatred came over your eyes and I knew in my heart that I had been betrayed the ultimate kind For all of my inner children who suffered her wrath written by Laurie Ann Smith Copyright 2011 |
Never Again
Mommy, PLEASE!
Put down your weapon and hold me
Tell me it's over
I love you mommy,
I always have and I always will
Hold me closely and dry my tears
Help me to feel safe and learn not to fear
You
Protect me from harm and
Put sweet kisses on my face
And all of the pain inside will
Be completely erased
Hug me tight and smother me
With love...
Be to me like the angels above
Mommy, PLEASE!
Put down your weapon and hold me
Tell me it's over
I love you mommy,
I always have and I always will
Laurie Ann Smith
Copyright 2015
Put down your weapon and hold me
Tell me it's over
I love you mommy,
I always have and I always will
Hold me closely and dry my tears
Help me to feel safe and learn not to fear
You
Protect me from harm and
Put sweet kisses on my face
And all of the pain inside will
Be completely erased
Hug me tight and smother me
With love...
Be to me like the angels above
Mommy, PLEASE!
Put down your weapon and hold me
Tell me it's over
I love you mommy,
I always have and I always will
Laurie Ann Smith
Copyright 2015
Words of the Mother
You are pathetic!
I had you, I bore you! I fed you, I bathed you! I gave you life, I can take it away!! I can kill you, it's my right! And you will take what I'm giving you! You better not run! Get down on your knees at my feet now! And beg you rotten whore!! You've been nothing but trouble! Since the day you were born! You should have died with the other two Babies that were born stillborn!! You're a rape child I never wanted!! I don't love you, I don't care What you need, how you feel! Or whether or not you are here! I hate you, you disgust me! You fucking slut! You're a selfish little bitch! And you deserve worse beatings than you get!! I don't want to hear another word come out of your God damn mouth!! Not another word or I'll take your God damn head off!! You better be listening to me!! So help me God or I'll bust your head and break every bone in your body!! If you ever tell anyone What goes on in this house! I will kill you, you cunt Now get the fuck out!! Copyright 2016 Laurie Ann Smith I can still hear my mother's voice screaming this rant in my face. The shear disdain and hatred for me was poured out of her heart through her rants and physical torture of my body. These words of my mother always came with each beating she dished out. They also came with each beating that she was threatening. From the time I was cognitive at around age 4, I heard all of this rant on a regular weekly basis and sometimes daily just depending on how my mom's mental and psychological health was at the time. Quite often I was forced down on my knees at her feet and made to beg for her forgiveness. She would dish this rant out at me and either beat me or tell me to get out of the house. I recall the beatings and these rants of hers, and remember her shoving me into walls, slapping me, choking me and screaming this rant in my face, her finger nails digging into my arm, or being back-hand to the floor and beaten with a belt or heavy object, as she kicked my side, my ribs, my legs. I will never forget what my mother left me with, a lot of pain, and a lot of scars. She scarred my body, my mind, my heart, my spirit and my soul. The damage was irreparable. I have decided to live and have worked incredibly hard to learn how to love myself, to love others, to have love for life, and to try and heal as my way of getting justice over my abuser mom, dad and brother. It is an unfinished work in progress and I still have a long way to go. My message to all survivors of child abuse, NEVER GIVE UP!! We did not deserve to be abused, and we deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, compassion, care, kindness, love, empathy and we deserve to live a good healthy life. Reach out, and get the help that you need. Copyright 2016 Laurie Ann Smith |
MY VICTORY
You chose your weapons,
leaving me no shield
no protection, no safety
a prisoner in your lair
It was your fancy and your delight
to watch me cower and tremble
not able to fight
You waged war and brutality
against me, a small child
bruised, battered, bloodied
you chanted your victory shout
Believing you had won the battle
over time you fell
death, insanity, madness, overtook you
and your frame returned to dust
A small wounded child grew
amongst the thorns,
she learned along the path from teachers
wise and true
They taught her to learn to love herself
taught her to love others
they planted a spark of light within
that grew as time moved on
Today that small girl is grown,
and stands tall
She faced her demons, faced her death
and learned to love and live
Copyright 2012 Laurie Ann Smith
I Will Not Treat You Like That
I was a child, I spilled my cereal, you beat me, I cried
now that you are old and feeble, spilling your cereal
on the breakfast table, I will not treat you like that...
I was a child, put my feet over the arms of the chair,
you hit me, called me names, screaming in my face,
causing me fear and shame....
now that you are old and feeble, with your feet upon
the coffee table, I will not treat you like that.....
I was a child, who mommy and daddy could not love,
you hurt me, you beat me, threw me to the ground,
I cried out in pain, but you did not care, you left me
in a pile on the floor....gasping for air....
now that you are old and feeble, needing love and
support, I will not grab you and choke you by the
throat...I will not treat you like that.....
I was a child, you caused me to fear, for my own
life and for my brothers and sister so dear...
the nightmares you caused me were my day to day
reality, no where to turn, no hope in sight...day after
day subjected to your might, abused and confused..
now that you are old and feeble, your own fears
and doubts, afraid of the dark and the strange sounds
needing someone to rescue you from the reality of
growing old and confused....
I will not treat you like that......
Your seven children who you tortured and beat,
shoved into walls, fists to our bodies, your words hit
even harder then that, as they disfigured our hearts
and minds, and your disdain and hatred caused us all to
consider ending our lives...
and now that you are old and feeble, needing our help
to survive....we know what you did, although you don't
remember the pain that you caused or even consider..
as you complain that your children are not treating you
right...did you ever consider what we went through all
of our lives...the hell we endured at your hands
and now you cry out...and do not understand...
but we will not treat you like that......
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith June 2010
Please see the original link of the video below that was graciously read by John Harrison who I am forever thankful for!
now that you are old and feeble, spilling your cereal
on the breakfast table, I will not treat you like that...
I was a child, put my feet over the arms of the chair,
you hit me, called me names, screaming in my face,
causing me fear and shame....
now that you are old and feeble, with your feet upon
the coffee table, I will not treat you like that.....
I was a child, who mommy and daddy could not love,
you hurt me, you beat me, threw me to the ground,
I cried out in pain, but you did not care, you left me
in a pile on the floor....gasping for air....
now that you are old and feeble, needing love and
support, I will not grab you and choke you by the
throat...I will not treat you like that.....
I was a child, you caused me to fear, for my own
life and for my brothers and sister so dear...
the nightmares you caused me were my day to day
reality, no where to turn, no hope in sight...day after
day subjected to your might, abused and confused..
now that you are old and feeble, your own fears
and doubts, afraid of the dark and the strange sounds
needing someone to rescue you from the reality of
growing old and confused....
I will not treat you like that......
Your seven children who you tortured and beat,
shoved into walls, fists to our bodies, your words hit
even harder then that, as they disfigured our hearts
and minds, and your disdain and hatred caused us all to
consider ending our lives...
and now that you are old and feeble, needing our help
to survive....we know what you did, although you don't
remember the pain that you caused or even consider..
as you complain that your children are not treating you
right...did you ever consider what we went through all
of our lives...the hell we endured at your hands
and now you cry out...and do not understand...
but we will not treat you like that......
Copyright Laurie Ann Smith June 2010
Please see the original link of the video below that was graciously read by John Harrison who I am forever thankful for!